The Grand Design...

"Inspiration is God making contact with itself."-Ram Dass

Pink Floyd is on my radio right now. For years I never understood what "Wish You Were Here" was about.  After watching a behind the scenes DVD I know now that it's about Syd Barrett and his regression into insanity. One night many years ago I was driving home from my parent's place and as the song played through my car stereo I began thinking of my best friend...a guy I hadn't seen in forever.  We had grown apart.  In that moment it hit me what that extraordinary song was about. I yearned for that friend to be with me...I missed him. The song is just about a good friend...all of us have a Syd that we miss dearly. Great tune.

I was driving through an interchange tonight on the highway and couldn't help but ask myself a few questions as I flew under the mass of concrete ramps. How the hell did we figure out highways and junctions? How did we conceive of cars with tires, engines, seat belts and anti-lock breaks? How did we teach ourselves the mathematical and molecular laws that were needed to create this stuff? I guess you could go back as far as you want and ask how our brains were cable of developing any technology. Spears? Shoes? Oh here's one...Fire!

The sense of awe and wonder in my life lately has been incredible. I'm not use to a drive down the road being inspiring...maybe it was just the psychotic trance of Jeff Beck's guitar blaring through my headphones...or maybe I'm really changing.  Until recently my world consisted of a few spots I visited frequently.  A Starbucks, a gas station, McDonald's, the grocery store (all within 1.5 miles from my house), a church I attended a weekly 12 step meeting at and the hospital I work at. Very little variety.

But here lately I have the feeling that there is a great amount of "inspiration" or "intelligence" among us all the time.  There is very much to be curious about!  Much to be discovered. The little coincidences that pop up are startling. I love the show LOST.  One of the shows main characters is a pseudo leader of sorts the writers craftily named "Richard Alpert"...the former name of spiritual guru Ram Dass...who I had never heard of until a few months ago but now strangely appears in all sorts of conversation with friends and random coffee shop acquaintances. Was this connection there all the time?  Have I always been surrounded by seekers? Perhaps I just "woke up" to it all.  Perhaps technology has been at our fingertips all along.  Could it be that an infinite intelligence is just waiting for us to come out an play? Maybe we already "know" the answers! The axioms are merely waiting to be learned.  They are natural in a way. This goes for technology and spiritual seeking.

The true teacher awaits us in our heart...and for so long I've been searching with my damn brain!

Love/Love/Love

mellow 

Pick your life...

"Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place"
-Eckhart Tolle

Pandora radio is my new favorite toy.  I did a few weeks on the blues channel and spent the last several weeks on the heart meditations channel which helped inspired my last few blogs.  This week I'm flashing back to 1997.  I searched "Trance" and stumbled upon some cool electronic stuff. I forgot how much fun this music is.  The peaks are predictable, they pay off  every time. Oh, and the glow sticks! It reminds me of the first summer my friends and I had access to a car.  We use to blast Oakenfold and cruise around acting like we were the coolest cats in town. Although it was missing it's back bumper I thought my dad's Hyundai Sonata was pretty hot...although back then we would have used the slang "tight" to describe it. 

I didn't really know what I wanted to write about tonight, but a few ideas just popped out so I'll go with what I've got. The shift I've been going through continues, although I guess I'm settling back into a normal rhythm. I had a week or so where I was almost euphoric while listening to the audio book "The End of Your World" by the San Fransisco based spiritual teacher Adyashanti. It's an off the cuff western approach to Zen Buddhism. I found myself sitting around completely at ease, almost tapped into the vibration of life.  It was a pretty surreal feeling at first and then it just felt incredible for a few days. He warns however not to get "drunk on zen"...or get the idea that just because you realize you aren't your ego and there is no "self" per se you can't walk around completely blissed out and detached.  You still have to be in the world. Still I'm trying to make good use of the idea of "no self". I've wrapped it into a little package of ideas that remind me I'm not very important, my problems are merely challenges that often turn out to be tools for learning and the universe can easily function without me...or us for that matter. Humanity could just be a hypothesis being tested in an ever expansive divine experiment.

I sat around with great friends tonight chatting up an array of the world's issues.  We beat a few dead horses, covering just about everything in the political and sociological arena.  Making new friends this year has been very rewarding.  I think this is an area of my life that has been lacking since I moved across the country.  I've been in St. Louis three years and I'm just now figuring out the lay of the land.  Getting down into the city has been fun.  It's an experience I never got growing up in Louisiana as the downtown region in Baton Rouge was all but abandoned before I was born. I was a suburban kid, pretty sheltered really. I haven't made my social life a priority for some time.  So much of life these last few years has been about making up for lost time.  Trying to climb the latter at work and achieve the things society deems necessary. I felt a lot of guilt about my drinking and for what I saw as squandering opportunities accademically and professionally. It dawns on me today that life really isn't worth living if you don't have cool people to share it with. One thing that scares me about going back to school next semester is the time commitment. I've been having so much fun lately.  When you know what's important you don't really feel busy..at least I don't.  I just do what I want.  This includes going to work because I need a paycheck, but spending time with Katie, getting into exercise, playing around with my new veggie diet and making a lot of time for friends are all at the top of my list. And the list stays pretty short.  Aside from maybe raising a kid and spending a ton of time with people I love, I don't really see any higher purpose in life.  I guess that is the higher purpose!  I'm not out to be the next Bill Gates. That's not really my trip.

If there is anything that my new interest for Zen philosophy has taught me is that at the source of this thing there is a massive amount of energy that wants to move forward and expand.  That's the best way I can understand it.  The word "thrive" keeps coming to my mind.  Nietzsche called this the will to power.  He describes in "Beyond Good and Evil" how even a simple object like a vine will exert its will  by tangling itself around a tree, slowly growing up through its canopy to get to the sunlight.  All life wants not only to survive, but to grow as well.  I don't know if I agree with Nietzsche that we innately use this instinct to dominate. Tears for Fears sings that awesome song about how we all want to rule the world.  However I receive much more joy in letting go of the steering wheel. I found myself very discouraged a couple of time this weekend and simply had to accept that what was happening was the universe unfolding. People being people, life being life.

When you let go you attract an incredible amount of prosperity into your life.  I don't neccesraily mean in the form of money or material. The amount of love I have experienced in the last month has been awe inspiring. That's the big jackpot. You can feel it everywhere if you look for it.  People react to you in a totally diffirent light when you come from a place of love.  I think you have to choose how you want to see the world. Essentially you will manefest the world you reflect on.  If you're pissed you're going to see a shitty world as my weekend proved to me.

Will you see the world from the perspective of love?  Will you choose to attract friendship, smiles at the coffee shop, calmness from your coworkers and peace in your home? Give it a shot!

mellow

One organism...

"But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything..."
-Alan Watts


Today's blog is another quick one.  Had a great breakfast and coffee with Katie this morning. We got up early and dropped my truck off at the shop.  I think my clutch is going out.  I hope I  don't need a new transmission.  That would suck!  I'm really feeling the Zen message lately.  It's a relief to realize my life isn't that important.  It feels like I just dropped 20 years of baggage and can finally move around a bit. I stumbled onto this cool video and wanted to post it here. If you're on a mobile device and the video isn't popping up you can click here to view it through your mobile browser.

Enjoy ~
mellow

Love...

Got a chance to see two living legends last night. Phil Lesh and Bob Weir continue to run with the Grateful Dead torch in their new group Furthur. It was an incredible night with blissed out moments all over the place! Classic Jerry ballads like "So Many Roads" and "Stella Blue" sent little bits of tears trickling down my cheeks. Jerry is gone but never forgotten...

I can feel Love working in my life these last few days. It's in the people I meet, even total strangers. I've been blessed with great patients at the hospital and they have given me great opportunities to be of service.

Don't have much time to blog tonight as I'm on my quick lunch break. Grubbing down on some pineapple and a cup of yogurt. Mobile blogging from the iPhone makes it easy to throw some good vibes out though...

Lots and lots of Love!

mellow

Clarity...

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”
-Deepak Chorpa

A few times in my life I have gone through what I would describe as transitions or shifts. I may have had one when I was around twelve years old.  All of a sudden my grades got a lot better in school. That's all I remember about it. I went from having a lot of behavior issues to being  a pretty solid kid. I discovered booze and pot my sophomore year of high school and went through what was pretty much eight years of confusion, anxiety and depression.  Every decision I made was based in fear. I ran from everything life put in front of me. There was very little growth.  I did manage to meet Katie as well as several other important fixtures in my life today during this period. The big shift came when I got sober at twenty-four.  I was driving down the highway one night when I saw the insanity in my behavior.  Pain had been damming up for years and it reached a tipping point.  I'd just switched jobs for the fourth time in eight months, been diagnosed bipolar and had no where left to run. I knew in one very brief moment, as if I'd been injected with some sort of absolute truth, that I had what it took to change. Most of all I could feel that I would be alright, that life was worth living. That moment and the following six month period was a brief catalyst that pushed me in the direction of progress. There have still been some boulders to get around in the last few years. I think the blog actually started out as some sort of tribute to the rocky times I found myself in during the last year or so.  A place to bitch. I think it's something totally different now...

I find myself experiencing something really weird the last couple of weeks. No depression symptoms at all.  I have a good amount of energy, but my thoughts are a normal speed and I'm getting at least six hours of sleep nightly. My confidence seems better too, but not in an inflated sort of way. I find my friends being vulnerable and open with me and asking for advice where I use to be the one constantly bitching and fishing for compliments. I've started reading my Buddhism books and trying to meditate again.  Then last Sunday I decided to become a vegetarian again after eating meat for the last year. Something I heard on a lecture about being centered resonated with me enough that once again I saw the insanity in my behavior.  I made it to the forty pound mark in my weight loss journey this week and I'm ready for forty more!

On one hand I could have reason to be alarmed.  All of these situations could be early signs of hypomania.  Sleeping six hours instead of my usual nine, more energy, feeling like things are so "crystal clear" and then there's the general mystical nature of my life right now....rolling about drinking mega smoothies, listening to new age music and studying nondualist religions. Of course anyone with bipolar knows that when things are going good we all get the little voice in the back of our heads that says, "you don't need those meds..." Right now it's manifesting itself as the philosophy that if I drop another forty pounds, meditate and exercise, I'm never going to have another depressive episode. This probably isn't true. I know I'll hit hard times again at some point.

I will admit that on paper one might tread cautiously, but I'm a pretty responsible patient as my doctor tells it.  I have a lot of insight into my episodes. I gather that I feel better because I am on less meds.  I was on a serotonin reuptake inhibitor for almost half a decade. A new generation of psychiatrist believe the SSRI's cause rapid cycling in many patients. Thus there's this phenomenon where someone kills themselves a couple of weeks after they start a drug like Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.  In actuality these drugs can make things worse. There was a point last year where I was so medicated I was stuttering and had a lot cognitive deficiencies. I never really thought much about it.  I always subscribed to the mantra around my doctors office: "Stay medicated, stay in therapy."

I'm not dogging psychiatry.  My doctor has been a Godsend in my life.  I guess I'm saying it's time for more change.  I'm not going to downplay the shift that's occurring in my life right now.  We are taught to write off everything that comes out of the "feeling good" part of this disorder. I know with all my heart that we were placed in this world in order to thrive.  Our spirits know where they want to go. In fact they are already heading there in spite of the distractions our egos are constructing!

Bottom line, my body is a temple and I've been treating it like trash for years! Spiritually, physically and mentally I've been burning the candle at both ends. My new experiemnt is going to be with real food, real exercise and some simple spiritual tools. I'm no longer buying into this idea that I'm some sort of victim or a damaged person.

Life's too short to not be whole...

mellow

The Shift

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway.” -Adyashanti

Three deep breaths and I'm ready to go tonight.

I had such a beautiful day today. The community college I will be attending in the spring started registration last week. I was a busy bee trying to get all of my paperwork processed so I can start attending classes and work towards my new career as a Respiratory Therapist. I had a lot to do today.  I didn't get much sleep, but managed to get up and get rolling with a bowl of oatmeal. I got to campus and searched for the classroom where I would take my new student assessment exam.  When I walked in and told the proctor which exam I intended to take she told me I had to take an additional exam.  I tried to explain that my adviser had placed me out of the reading proficiency exam but the woman would hear nothing of it.  I knew today was special because rather than struggling or being upset I calmly agreed to take the reading test. "Well, I can read. This isn't a problem".

She instructed me to sit outside in the waiting area until she called me.  I noticed at this point that I was unusually calm.  I've been working on my mediation skills and it amazing what a simple cycle of breaths can do to your awarenss.  It wasn't some drastic mystical thing, but it was as if  I was hearing the thoughts in my head and not labeling them as "good" or "bad".  The most incredible thing was this freedom from judgement. I wasn't judging myself at all which is usually how I torment myself.  At one point I found myself in awe with my mouth dropped open.  I felt like a spirit so lucky to be in this universe.  It was a peace I have not known for an extented duration. It must have lasted ten to fifteen minutes.

A girl sat down next to me.  She was talking, almost yelling, on her cell phone.  I wasn't annoyed as I usually would be.  A thought kept echoing in my head...

"There is so much joy in being-"

The proctor called me in and as I began my test I found myself getting a little shaken here and there.  I would question my answers.  At one point I began to get very flustered and felt like I wouldn't test out of the material I wanted.  The peace I had known only a half hour earlier vanished and I sat squirming in my chair certain that my whole semester wouldn't play out the way I wanted it. I forced myself to take three deep breaths and push through.  As I walked down the stairs to the advising office I agreed to accept whatever classes they placed me in.  I thought to myself, "Don't attracted this negativity into your life!"

As I sat in the crowded advising office I wondered if I could get the feeling of calm back.  I began my breathing again and within seconds I was centered. I met with my advisor Anita and got the classes I wanted after all. A few more detours to registration, admissions and campus life and I accomplished everything I needed to get done.  I'm enrolled in college. The thought came again!

"There is so much joy in being-"

Something is leading me, but it's as if I already know where to go.  It's awesome!

Love/Peace/Joy

mellow

Less me, more God...

“We are sick with fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas. Meditation is therefore the art of suspending verbal and symbolic thinking for a time, somewhat as a courteous audience will stop talking when a concert is about to begin.”

-Alan Watts

I'm hoping a few deep breaths, some chilled out music and a glass of sparkling water will help me produce a decent post tonight. I feel excited to write, like I'm finally finding a voice for the blog after nearly ten months of jabbering...

I've been pretty organized for the last two days. Stripped down to just the basics. Upon waking each morning I have been drinking a "green monster". A fruit smoothie with a handful of spinach ground in. I thought Katie was joking Sunday morning when she started shoving green leafy stuff in the blender right along with the strawberries and yogurt, but It's been helping a lot. And I'm not one to challenge her when it comes to food choices. She's usually right. I think starting the day off with a serving of fruit and veggies is a plus. It comes out to about 280 calories and carries me a couple of hours into the day. It's also lite and quick to prepare.

I've actually found myself looking forward to rolling out of bed to practice "smoothie meditation" each day. Typically I would grab my phone off the charger and already be plugged in to the nonsense of my email, the stocks, Facebook or my Blogger dashboard before getting dressed. The discipline of staying calm and disconnected in the mornings, even if it's just for a few minutes is taking me to new levels of peace. Stillness in the morning gives my brain the time it needs to wake up and acclimate to my surroundings. Jamming it with social media, stock figures, the stress of work, etc. gets my wheels turning right off the bat and sets me up for a crummy day. On Monday I got a full hour of calm time in the morning and I was sharper all day because of it. I jotted down a few things I wanted to accomplish and relaxed knowing I could easily get everything done. I had more energy to exercise and my thoughts flowed freely in conversation that night when I was out with friends. While it can be incredibly difficult to get out of bed in time to spend time in meditation, I'm going to make a commitment to do this everyday. It's so worth it!

I've also been trying to focus on what I call "quality time". This is time when I can fully devote my attention to my wife and my dog. It seems odd to schedule that time or have to work on prioritizing it, but how often do we really spend time completely devoted to the people we love? I had three things I wanted to accomplish today and the first was to have quality time with my wife when she got home from work. We were a bit strapped for time, but we went to a restaurant and sat down and talked to one another for awhile. Oddly enough we got a lesson in presence when we walked in. A mother was yelling at her son, "What do you want to eat? You're holding up the line!" She was yanking his arm and pulling him through the line like a rag doll. I thought it was such a shame to use your valuable time with a loved one in that way. When we see purposeless anger in other people it is so obvious to us, but we often miss it in ourselves. I can often get mouthy for no reason. When I'm centered and in the present I don't have these issues. Anger, judgment and fear don't seem to creep in and dictate my thoughts.

So this process of better nutrients, more time in stillness and more time with the people I love all adds up to less time stuck in me. Less me is a good thing. Less ego, less thought chatter, less time thinking of everything I need. More time realizing I lack nothing, more time being free, more time being connected, being nurtured, being loved.

More time just being in God's world...

mellow

Start feeling...

“When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless, that it doesn't have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much space.” -Pema Chodron


It seems as though I've been given a new mantra recently.

Stop seeking-

And while I'll admit it resonates very deep within me and makes me smile when I read/here/see it, it's so terribly difficult to stop doing something I've been doing for years. Looking for happiness, fulfillment and meaning in my life has been my obsession for years and its taken me through many emotional landscapes and even to the point of dysfunction at times. I think most of my personal growth has come from correcting the trajectories of obviously destructive paths in my life.

But where did most of those difficult journeys begin? What made me choose those paths? It seems crystal clear to me now that most of my difficulties whether alcoholism, emotional disturbances, my unstable professional life, or struggles with weight all flared up as a result of this "pursuit" if you will. I jumped on those destructive paths because I was looking for something. An edge, the perfect life or the end of suffering. And more often than not, a quick fix or a distraction from the fact that I wasn't getting what I sought!

As I look back I can see that I let my expectations and attitudes color my life. I had a skewed vision of what was really going on. And when you have distorted expectations of what a life can and should be...well of course you're not going to live up to it all. You'll go about blaming others or worse blaming yourself for all that went wrong. There may even be a subconscious part of me that wanted to stay a jaded drunk asshole. What's the fun in being fulfilled? Then you can't engage in your favorite pastime of seeking the better job, the next vacation, the next fatty meal, etc.

For the last few weeks I have continually gotten the same message. Quit seeking, quit looking, just be, just experience and enjoy. I've gotten this message from friends, several bloggers I follow and my wife drops little zen snippets on me all the time. But how do you really clear the table? Do you just give up the search and smile more? Do you go live in India with no possessions until you're enlightened? Do you taper this seeking addiction? Because that's what it really is.

I'm addicted to stuff and I'm obsessed with myself-

The self talk and seeking make life uncomfortable so, like anyone, I use stuff to numb it out. Everyone does this. We just use different stuff. The western world is set up to engage our every desire so we can do exactly this. Be numb in a state of mindlessness. Hell sometimes it's pure bliss. Everyone loves ice cream! I have all kinds of stuff I like to use. Luckily I've tackled alcohol and drugs, but I still fall short when it comes to food, web surfing and buying things I don't really need.

I could beat myself up, but I preached against that a few months ago here on the blog. It's really not about improving per se...that would just be more seeking. I think the reason my new mantra resonates with me is because I can recognize the insanity in my behaviors and thought patterns. No guru or monk is striking me over the head with a staff and saying "Change all this stuff you low life!!!" I think the great people making these observations are simply giving pointers. Like saying, "Hey you've tried walking that path...walk this way over here for a while...see what happens".

I've tried charging out toward a destination seeking treasures. Perhaps I'll just try walking with nothing in mind for awhile.

Feeling each step...

Peace,
mellow

coffee, coffee...

So I've been getting my caffeine fix in a different locale these days. One that serves beautiful salads and creamy americanos that buzz me just right. Meshugga Cafe has been my spot to geek out for the last week or so.

While I feel a bit like a trader to the crew at my corner Starbucks the new place has plenty of perks. Despite a drive across town and a slightly crummy parking situation this locally owned cafe is appealing to me.

The fresh salads and hot sandwiches definitely make it a nice little blogging nook or hideaway from the mainstream crowd. You won't find drip roasted coffee though. Esspresso rules the roost here and it's pretty damn good. In fact Wayne from the Flaming Lips even shot a tweet out onto the interwebs while having a cup from Meshuggah last month as the Lips passed through St. Louis.

So if you find yourself in the "show me" state and near St. Louis the Meshuggah Cafe is a must for a chat with friends, a great lite lunch and no doubt one of the boldest cups of coffee in town.

And make sure you get upstairs. That's where all the cool kids are.

Peace...

mobile blog app test...

So I'm testing out a mobile blogging app for iPhone. I'm not sure how this will interface with my blogger account so pay no mind to any shenanigans that go on for next day or so...

Some info on BloggerPlus by ThinkTek

mellow

today...

i woke up today...
everything was good today...
went for a little run today...
it didn't hurt today...

i felt pure today...
got down and prayed today...
asked for direction today...
i see a purpose today...

shared my thoughts today...
cup of dark today...
just a dash of cream today...
it tasted perfect today...

i wasn't worried today...
i was connected today...
happy tears today...

i'm alive today!

sometimes they aren't just pets...

Last night as I scrolled through my Facebook news feed I came across an incredible snippet of raw emotion, empathy and humanity. I found myself crying over my iphone as I watched "Last Minutes with ODEN". In this teaser from a yet to be released documentary from PHOS pictures director Eliot Rausch follows recovering addict and ex con Jason Wood through the incredibly heartbreaking experience of putting his dog Oden to sleep.

Poignant voice overs and beautiful footage describe Oden as much more than just your average dog. Oden has become as symbol of hope for many of Jason's friends who come to live on his couch as they try and turn their lives around. The video pretty much speaks for itself and I would recommend you watch this in private (or even better with some understanding loved ones!) as you will probably shed a few tears.

I couldn't help but feel a little more connected to the human race as I got out bed this morning with Jason's perspective that "God is love and Love is God". A philosophy he credits Oden in teaching him.


Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.


Notes on the Film:
Oden's struggle with cancer finally came to an end.
May he rest in peace and his memory be eternal.

Canon 7D

Directed/Edited: Eliot Rausch
Director of Photography: Luke Korver, Matt B. Taylor
Song: Big Red Machine / Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner

A story from the 8 LIVES Documentary.
For more of Jason Wood's story from 3 years ago
see http://vimeo.com/14047489

mood tracking...

I've known for quite awhile the secret to more symptom free days is to get some insight into what causes you to get loony. Whether you are struggling with classic melancholic or "unipolar" depression or bipolar depression with switches into higher moods with euphoria and irritability it can sometimes seem like you have no control whatsoever over your sanity.

2010 started with a BANG. As I was highly productive and felt like I was kicking ass at work. My therapist even made me make an emergency appointment with the doc one day because she thought I was too "high" during one of our sessions. This little episode led to the creation of the blog you are reading.

All good things (and feelings) come to an end. Throughout the course of this year I have had more trouble with fatigue and spent more time in bed than I have in my entire life. By May I was in bed twelve, fourteen, sometimes sixteen hours a day. I didn't even really feel depressed. I could work just fine on the three nights a week I needed to drag myself to the hospital and do some work. But on off days I felt slowed down and unmotivated...and really hungry for double cheeseburgers. Double cheeseburgers made everything Ok...and a six piece nugget on the side made things just perfect. Which brought me to a whopping 297 pounds by mid year.

Here and there I was able to break through with little bits of inspiration. A stern talk from my wife (a registered dietitian with a fat husband is kind of the definition of irony...) led me to start weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds. It was still a chore to get out of bed on weekends, but I slowly climbed out of the hole. Several medication changes were made and I felt like a marionette under my doctors control. Sitting in the waiting room with the other desperate souls I would think to myself. "Just fix me...just fucking fix me!"

I took up running which has brought with it both exhilarating energy and frustrating injuries, but I have established a commitment to health and realize that cheeseburgers don't work as well as fresh foods, meticulous timing of medication and the attitude that life will unfold ever so perfectly if I can just let it be.

Which brings me to the present. Last week I couldn't get six hours sleep. I felt like slapping total strangers and thought I was on the verge of a melt down. This week I'm getting ten hours no problem and I'm settling back into a normal mood. It's all a mystery to me and it's one I'm setting out to figure out. I have been tinkering with mood tracking software since my episode in February. I tried a couple of Iphone apps, but this weekend I found a great website. https://www.moodtracker.com/index.php

This site seems to be the daddy of all mood trackers. It tracks sleep, med history, irritability, anxiety and gives you the option to rate your mood "elevated" or "depressed" (mood categories are further broken down into mild, moderate or severe). There is also a section for a brief daily journal. You can analyze you mood via a bar graph or you can scroll through your journals.

Here is my graph for the last few days:

I've also simplified my cocktail. I had a long talk with a friend from my 12 step group about how I should be handling my medications. We both agreed that recovery is based on spirituality and that I needed to believe that my doc was a trained professional that was put in my life by a higher power greater than me. Adjusting doses, constantly researching meds, playing with vitamins and trying to skirt by without ever experiencing any pain or discomfort was a problem. My motives need to be pure.

Lamictal 150
Topomax 50
Risperdal 0.5
Omega 3 Fish Oil 1200
Natural Way Multivitamin

I'm also trying to only drink coffee for the first four hours that I'm awake. In the last month I'm drinking ten to twelve cups a day and its getting ridiculous. I guess this year has really been about acceptance. Every time I think about looking at a mood graph that reads baseline all the way across I think "Wow that would be boring...I want to be jacked on coffee...I want to run around the house dancing to jazz music... I need to fly out of bed feeling like a million bucks with no anxious thoughts every morning." That would be a wonderful world to live in for a time, but at this point in my life I can value being able to get a stable level of sleep and actually be calm enough to sit still in a chair. It's a goal I can work towards that will probably be more interesting than I think. Not too exciting but not too dull.

It beats crashing full speed into the pillow without a hope or a prayer of knowing when you'll be back...

a good friend won't bullshit you...

Its amazing how another ex drunk can set you straight! Here's a text message between myself and an old friend.

Me:
If I could accept that all things were impermanent I'd be a hell of a lot happier...but maybe that's still my ego trying to protect itself. Maybe it wants to "accept" impermanence so it can feel good all the time...which leads me to believe that it is impossible to use your thoughts to kill the ego. Perhaps only pure love or absolute suffering can beat it into submission, but it only stays dead momentarily. You know I should have stayed asleep man. Seeking enlightenment is a mind fuck!

Friend:
Drop your seeking, it will only distract you from the reality of the thing we call Love/God/etc.

Me:
Are you speaking from experience? Is it better when you take the monks/teachers off their pedestals? I can only experience conscious connection with Love/God during emotionally turbulent times. This drives me to seek a lifestyle where I'm connected all the time and experience less boredom and sadness in my life.

Friend:
I have experience with suffering and I know there is no way around it. Love will take care of us. Life is very difficult, but unbelievably beautiful. More than this I cannot say. God is real.

Me:
Thanks for that affirmation. Its time for some dog walking meditation. I hope you are doing well. Peace...

Friend:
Same to you my brother.

suffering...it's really no big deal...

A friend of mine post a Dalai Lama quote as his facebook status everyday. As I flew past it on my iphone the other day all I caught was: if there is one certainty in life it is suffering. I didn't think much of it buzzing from my pike roast and on the way into work, but I'm thinking about it in the wee hours of this Sunday morning.

I met with my doctor last week and decided I was going to stop taking my citalopram, an SSRI type drug I've been taking for five or so years. I posted about tapering off some of my meds a couple of months ago and until the last few days all seemed to be well. Suddenly...maybe Tuesday...my heart started feeling like it was going to pop out of my chest and I had a deep feeling of dread or anticipation like butterflies in your stomach before you're suppose to meet with your boss. It's the type of anxiety I haven't felt in years. A type I remember all too well from darker points in my life.

I remember sitting on my couch in college getting incredibly intoxicated night after night and babbling to whoever would listen about the pain that was my life...and it scares me that this week I felt that sadness and fear again. I felt wounded and vulnerable like I was going insane. I found myself complaining a lot and talking to just about anyone who would listen, but at a certain point I had to just let go. I yelled at myself in a firm voice Wednesday night sitting at my desk...

"This is how you feel...and you need to accept it, just own it and be done with it!"

For a brief moment I didn't feel so bad.

Thursday was alright. I had therapy and Jane said I was in a "bad neighborhood" in my head, but I felt better when I left which was good. There were no awkward silences. We talked the whole session and I felt like I was on the edge of resolve, but hadn't quite found the solution. Katie and I went grocery shopping Friday night and bought a weeks worth of stuff for $55. It's part of our attempt to see if we could make it as "poor" people. (Food stamps come out to about $28/adult/week) It took going out of our way and going to two grocery stores, but we managed. I doubt we'll starve.

Last night my friend Charlie scored me a free ticket to the Flaming Lips concert in Columbia. The conversation flowed freely on the two hour trip down and I felt a little more at ease. What can I say about the show...it was incredible. I don't think Wayne Coyne is a rock star as much as he is a spiritual guru. The show was composed of the usual antics and noise symphony that the Lips are famous for, and between songs Wayne gave us little snippets of wisdom and insight to song lyrics. Driving home the message that life is all about giving love to one another.

They closed with "Do You Realize". My eyes welled up with tears, moved by the joy of the music and energy of the crowd with their hands high and swaying. I thought to myself as I walked back to the parking garage how its all yin and yang this life. I've been going through some pretty heavy stuff lately. My heads been all over the place. That show probably wouldn't have meant anything to me without my current situation as a back drop...and it all fell together so brilliantly with Charlie calling me Thursday night to invite me...it was totally spur of the moment.

So it wasn't until I sat down to blog that the Lama's quote hit me. It's suffering that makes us human...of course it's all relative. There's 6 billion people on this planet and we all experience pain in our own way, but we have to own it and get past it to succeed. Maybe he meant that it doesn't have to own us. It doesn't have to consume our reality. When the pain consumes my reality it takes away from what I have to give to this world...and I think, like Wayne says, I have a lot of love to give.

It would be a crying shame to let pain destroy my ability to love and mold the world in a positive way. Perhaps I need to learn to coexist with discomfort.

It won't kill me...

mellow

Back on Track

Ughh what a day...I was in kind of a funky place today. The laziness continues. I popped some Melatonin last night and went to bed thinking I'd get up early and mow my jungle of a lawn. As 9:30 rolled around I thought to myself..."I should get up and mow the lawn" and then 10:30...11:30...and then it was 3:51pm and I felt like a worthless piece of crap as I started the weed eater having wasted sixteen hours in the bed. Needless to say I only got half of the yard work done before surrendering to the inferno of the afternoon with the resolution that tomorrow is another day.

It's only happening about once a week now, but no human should sleep that long. I was suppose to see my doc about it this week, but he just had a surgery on his neck and canceled my appointment. I don't know what it is. I feel pretty good on most days. I don't feel particularly fatigued, but some days I'm just not getting out of the bed.

Luckily Katie didn't give me shit about it and I got to spend a good portion of time with her tonight. We went out to eat at the VegaDeli which is an all vegan restaurant. I got a hummus burger on pita and a soy milk shake. Katie got a juice concoction of kale, cucumber and apple juice. (gross!) I felt better after getting some yard work done and having some quality time over a healthy meal. After some TV time Katie went to bed and I took Jack out for a walk. It was relaxing and I milled over what tonight's blog would be about.

So...

I've been on my own ass again lately. I'm obsessed with perfection and I think it is really detrimental to my overall enjoyment of life. I'm obsessed with all kinds of stuff. My weight, money, things I should have achieved by now, what degree I should go get next, new career paths, etc. Katie says I crave stress. My therapist Jane trys to get me to keep from engaging in this self talk. "Whats wrong with your career right now, why not master your skills and open up opportunities within your current field?" she'll say. And the thing is I know she is right. I feel better when I accept myself not just for who I am, but for who I am today. This life with these shortcomings, with this moody brain and with a great many talents...I always look past the talents. I never give myself credit for the amazing life I'm living today and that's such a cheat on today. And when will life always be happening? TODAY!

So as I walked with Jack I took a moment to breath in the air and accept today for today, and it's not that bad. It's awesome! There's air in my lungs and I'm alive. So I totally turned this day around and got back on track. Got some laundry done, shaved my head, got some exercise and generally got in a better place. The more I think about it the more I am realizing this depression or bipolar thing is less about chemicals and biology and more about confidence and spirituality. There is no doubt that medications have saved my ass, but the remaining issues I have couldn't be fixed with a pill anyway. What remains are existential questions and a battle with demons that have been around since I was a kid. "Core issues" as Jane says and tonight I took a walk and won the battle. And tonight's the only night that matters...

mellow

And a new journey begins...

Sitting down with my Coke Zero to blog for the first time in a week feels good. It's been a great week. For the first time in god knows how long I had a week without fatigue. Last Saturday with friends and family in town I finally took a long awaited plunge into exercise. In March after I spent $200 at the running store I was side lined by the harsh reality that I was simply to fat to start running. My shins would literally ache to the point where walking was excruciating the next day.

I opted instead four months ago to commit to comfortable walks a few times a week and a healthy diet plan. I started Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. So last Saturday when my wife, brother in law, and an old college pal put on their running gear I was feeling a little left out. At the last minute I threw on my Asic Gel Kayano 15's (upgraded with shock absorbing insoles mind you) and said I would tag along. Of course I couldn't handle the 7 mile trek the others were setting off on, but maybe I could make it a mile or two.

As we stretched at the park I couldn't help but feel out of place, but I mimicked the motions of my companions and tried to act like all the other "in shape" people at the park. Hitting start on my RunKeeper iphone app I took off behind Katie and company. I managed to tag along for a little while and they would glance back giving the thumbs up. By the half mile mark I could tell they were proud expecting me to have choked by then. My phone read 12:30/mile pace and I began to let them get away. As I approached the mile mark they disappeared into the trails ahead probably just getting warm. I wasn't upset though. I had accomplished something. I had run continuously for 15 minutes.

After our guest left town on Sunday we went out again. This time just Katie and I for 1.5 miles. We ran for 20 minutes continuously and walked back to the car. I felt great. I felt like a million bucks. Monday I went to the psychiatric hospital downtown and facilitated a 12 step meeting for some of the patients there. Volunteer work always feels great. On the way home I itched to run even though I had planned a rest day. I got home and rushed out at 8:30 for another 1.5 miles and did it faster than the day before. I felt amazing!

Tuesday I went to work and relaxed, but Wednesday I got up early before work (Who the hell is this guy!!!) and went out in the scorching heat for another run. I felt great all night at work thumbing through the pages of a Runners World at work dreaming of running the Boston Marathon one day. Thursday was a rest day and then Friday morning after working graveyard Katie and I took a walk down to Starbucks. I jokingly asked if she wanted to run back to the house as we left the coffee shop and she took off! As we got to the mile mark I felt a burst of energy like a high and lengthened my stride. This was definitely my most comfortable run yet. "Your gonna make me run fast you little speed demon." Katie shouted. "We've got to catch the Kenyans!" I joked as I ran my first time at a sub 10 minute/mile pace. Our dog Jack darted along his nose just behind me nearly tripping me several times as we turned towards the house.

When we got home I took a hot shower and updated my Facebook status bragging about my run, just before icing my hurting shins. Sleep came easy. I can honestly say I feel better this week than i have in at least two years. I had a brush with vegetarianism in 2007 where I was in pretty good shape (for a fat guy) and I felt pretty stellar back then. I'm back at that level again I think. It's amazing what can happen when we let ourselves go. I can't believe I almost got to 300 pounds (Started WW at 297 lbs), but it's also amazing that in just four months I've got myself back on track for greatness. I'm hoping this week is merely the beginning of a climb towards being in the best shape of my life.

It's funny three weeks ago I was bitching on the blog about how I needed to do this and Saturday probably out of a little jealously I just stormed out there and followed my pals down the path. It feels good to have my first week behind me. Each run has gotten a little easier and the energy stays with you all day hanging around like a good buzz.

My first race will be Thanksgiving day at the Turkey Trot 5k. I'm pumped. Here's to feeling good!

mellow

The Mighty Omegas!

Today I decided to blog about one of my favorite supplements. Fish Oil. Omega 3 fish oils have long been know to have benefits for our hearts, but more and more research is proving that fish oil is somewhat of a super supplement and may have a use in treating major depression and bipolar disorder.

Fish oil was the first supplement I began experimenting with a few years ago. After a visit to the doctor I found out I wasn't only near sighted, but I also had chronic dry eye. My doctor recommended that I take a capsule of fish oil everyday. I didn't put much thought into it and just picked up an economy bottle for a good price at Walgreens the next time I was in the pharmacy. I took 1000 mg of fish oil for a couple of years without ever thinking about it or noticing any benefit. Then in February of 2010 I read Marya Hornbacher's Book "Madness: A Bipolar Life" and in the conclusion she mentions that she takes high doses of fish oil. (Marya's genius deserves her own blog, so I'm sure I'll post about her when she publishes her new book next month!) This prompted me to explore the fish oil route so I went down to my local vitamin store and asked about fish oil. I was in for a surprise as there was an entire section just for omegas, flax, cod liver and coconut oils. I bought what the hippie girl behind the cash register recommended and started taking 3000 mg that afternoon.

Boy was I surprised! I started feeling better immediately. What I learned soon later was that the fish oil I had purchased was a much better quality oil than the stuff I was getting at Walgreens. After some research I learned that there are two primary fatty acids in fish oils that give them their magical benefit. Eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA), and Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) I also realized that the capsules I had been buying only had about 300 mg of these acids per a serving of two capsules and the rest of capsule was filler like sardine oil. The new capsules I had bought had 600 mg of these acids per serving. I was also taking 3 capsules of the super potent fish oil instead of 1 cap of the weak stuff. My research went further and eventually found that the eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) was the particular acid that scientist thought had the most benefit for people with depression. I found a supplement called "Omega Mood" that had a 1000 mg of EPA and 150 mg DHA per serving. I've started taking two caps per day and the benefits are undeniable.

Here is a great article pulled from Medscape that suggest omegas can be effective in treating several mood disorders.

We start off with the interesting fact that over 60% of the dry weight of the brain is composed of lipids whose role in the CNS is structural (eg, neuronal membranes) or functional (eg, membrane-bound receptors and associated neurotransmitter functioning).[2] Essential fatty acid metabolism can influence many aspects of brain development, including neuronal migration, axonal and dendritic growth, and the creation, remodeling, and pruning of synaptic connections.[3] Because humans cannot synthesize certain essential fatty acids, notably omega-3 fatty acids, these must come from the diet.

Epidemiologic data suggest that populations that consume large amounts of fish, such as the Japanese, appear to have relatively low rates of major depression.[4] A study of 3403 men and women in Finland correlated the likelihood of depression symptoms on the 21-item Beck Depression Inventory with frequency of fish consumption. There was a 31% increase in the odds ratio of having mild to severe depression symptoms among infrequent (less than once a week) fish consumers compared with frequent (at least once a week) users.[5]

In addition, rates of depression are high and increasing in parts of the world (eg, United States and Western Europe) where changes in agriculture and food technology have shifted diets away from omega-3 fatty acids toward the physiologically competitive omega-6 fatty acids (from commercial and processed vegetable oils). Also, depression is often comorbid with various medical disorders, such as cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and inflammatory disorders. It has been suggested that impaired fatty acid and phospholipid metabolism underlie both depression and comorbid medical problems.[6]

The best clinical trial of omega-3 fatty acids for treatment of affective disorder involved adult outpatients with bipolar disorder. These patients, in addition to their ongoing usual treatment, received either a supplement of omega-3 fatty acids or an olive oil placebo. The source of the omega-3 fatty acids for this placebo-controlled, double-blind trial was menhaden fish body oil concentrate. Nine (64.3%) of the 14 patients treated with omega-3 fatty acids responded to treatment, compared with 3 (18.8%) of the 16 placebo-treated subjects (P = .02). Since that study was completed, the same authors also reported treating another 22 bipolar patients with open-label flaxseed oil, which is also an omega-3 fatty acid source. Eighteen of the 22 bipolar patients treated with the flaxseed oil appeared to benefit, with many patients reporting a distinct mood-elevating effect from the flaxseed oil supplement.

For the full article go to:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/409997
You may be promted to create a free account to view the article.

For the wikipedia page on Omega 3's:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Omega-3_fatty_acid
Here is another great article about Omega's:
http://www.mcmanweb.com/omega3.html

I've linked some of my favorite fish oil products here:

Barlean's Fish Oil
http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=232105&catid=2652
Country Life Omega Mood
http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3922789&CAWELAID=441772264

I'll conclude my blog by saying I think everyone should take an Omega 3 product. I definitely feel a sharpness as if I'm a little more intelligent and I also have a much brighter mood. I seem a little more confident and I'm able to let things that I would usually ruminate over just be as they are. Perhaps this is the result of my full cocktail of supplements working together, but fish oil was my starting point.

Have a great day everybody...I hope this blog was helpful.

mellow

lazy...

I slept too much the last couple of days...even when I was awake I wanted my bed. I don't think I'm depressed, probably just bored. It's been really hard for me to stay motivated with things like my blog, the diet and exercise. I need to spend more time doing and less time thinking.

It's been a week since I started tapering off two of my drugs. The first few days were a little uncomfortable. I had a dull headache and as little bouts of panic would set in carbs seemed to be the only thing that would help. So needless to say I gained four pounds last week. Then Monday I had a strange dip in mood. I got to work early before any of my co workers and felt really empty all of a sudden. It was like one of those Sunday afternoon lonely feelings. It went away eventually and I think the worst of any sort of withdrawal is gone by now. My brain should be getting use to the new lower doses of the drugs.

I went for a walk with Katie (she doesn't want to be called "the wife" anymore) yesterday morning and we talked some about the past. We talked about how long I had been trying to get off these drugs. It seems odd to be doing so well. When we were talking about alcoholism and mental hospitals it didn't even seem like we were talking about me.

I was doing some research for the blog the other day and surfing around on youtube. If you search "lamictal" on youtube you will find at least a dozen video blogs of people talking about Bipolar disorder. I spent three hours watching them the other night and they reminded me a lot of myself when I first got diagnosed. I almost laughed because I use to think I was unique. It appears that I wasn't the only one that hated my doctor, had trouble getting insurance, was pissed that I couldn't get drunk anymore and was eating everything in sight. It was really eye opening for me see people dealing with this thing from the beginning...before trying tons of drugs, before the years of therapy, before reading all the books, before any sort of relief. I wanted to go through and email every one of them and tell them things get so much better and then I realized they are probably millions of people in this country alone that are going through the beginning stages of this. They're in the shit period, when everything sucks and you're your own worst enemy.

I think something I've been struggling with lately is leaving the drama behind. This is hard to admit. There is a certain allure to being a tortured soul. Like an afternoon curled up in bed with an Elliot Smith record. I know that sounds crazy, but getting better is like going through a bad break up...you have to walk away and not look back, but a part of you wants to look back no matter how bad it was...because even if it was bad it was comfortable...it was what you knew for so long...and you know once you walk away its really over. There's a piece of you that likes to walk into the shrinks office with your latte and sit on the couch and talk about how life is meaningless and comb through every bit of your past looking for what set you off in the first place.

I don't know if that makes since, but that's where I'm at right now. Its a comfort thing, but its a cop out! I know now is the time to move forward into something better and new. Hell the shrink is even trying to get rid of me...she doesn't think we have anything to talk about.

Anyhow, I didn't think I was gonna write an existential thesis about the value of suffering this morning but that's what came out. I apologize.

mellow

mediocre coffee, the present moment...

I'm sleeping kind of strange here lately. Five hours here a few more there. So I was up at dawn and the wife and I went down to Starbucks to get fixed up. I've been bouncing around the house listening to really loud pop music trying to find inspiration for today's blog. I really want to push the blog beyond my mental quirks and talking about meds. So today I will try and touch on some other stuff like spirituality and philosophy.

I've always gotten a kick out of the average joe, the underdog. Most of the young people I meet today are on their quest. Kids start touring college campuses at 16 years old these days already planning out years of their lives. We get taught to cheat the present moment right from the get go. In a world where everyone is so willing to trample one another for fortune its refreshing to see some people just living life day to day and doing it right. By doing it right I mean smiling, making others smile and living for the day at hand. I spent so much of my life letting each day fly by me and until recently I think I knew little about how to approach twenty four brand new hours.

My favorite group of average joes are down at my corner Starbucks. I've had better coffee for sure, but its the people that keep me coming in day in and day out. I was in the shop a month or so ago and as I waited for my drink I watched a group of baristas musing over a baseball card. When I asked who it was they motioned to one of the newer employees. Let's call him "Will" for the sake of his privacy. He's a guy in his early 40's. Not your typical young hipster Starbucks employee. I looked down at the card to see Will in an Expos uniform posing in his batting stance. "No way" I said. He smiled and explained that it was no big deal,that he had only been called up from the minors for one season in fifteen years.

"I hit a grand slam in Yankee stadium though, that was awesome..."

"No shit!" I said

Will works a mid shift so he is there practically everyday when I go in at 5:30 on my way into work or with my wife on our afternoon coffee dates. He always yells "GOLDBERG" when I walk in because I look like Goldberg the wrestler from the late 90's. Big and bald with a bushy goatee. I'd bet there are a lot of people like Will out there these days especially after the recession. People are sometimes forced to take non traditional jobs for their skill set. Working outside of one's profession just trying to scrape by can probably bruise the ego a bit, but that's what today's blog is about...

We can't try and hurry our way through transitions or put life on the back burner as we work towards a goal. We will never be complete this way. Life is an action I think. Its something we do. We walk the dog, cook the meal, write the blog, etc. We have to participate fully. If we aren't enjoying each day, each action as a single unit then we are missing out I think. As I go through my days its hard not to get caught in the thought babble of "lose 30 more pounds", "start running", "go back to school", "spend more time with the wife," but I know that just catching myself and coming back to the present moment is progress from where I was say six months ago.

Its funny...I think there is an element of zen to mastering a skill. When I do things I am really good at I'm not thinking about anything but the action. My head is clear. I think this is when we have the most potential to do good in the world. We can really affect people's lives and sometimes we may never know we are doing it. I don't think Will knows how much he is affecting mine everyday when he sells me coffee. Perhaps the purpose of life is to be this for another.

Some thoughts for you all to ponder...

mellow

taper, taper, taper...

Today is the first day on my path to just taking mood stabilizers for Bipolar disorder. I've been taking a four drug cocktail (not including supplements and vitamins!) since 2006 that included an SSRI, an antipsychotic and two mood stabilizers(anticonvulsants). So this is a big step!

During yesterday's visit with the doc we came to the conclusion that I was ready to start pulling back on my SSRI, a drug called Celexa (citalopram) as well as the antipsychotic Risperdal (risperidone). I'll be cutting both medicines in half. From 20mg to 10mg of Celexa and from 2mg to 1mg of Risperdal. The doc didn't seem to think this was too aggressive of a taper. I was a little concerned, but he reassured me that I was strong enough to do this. He said the goal would be to get to a point where I was only taking mood stabilizers and that with this smaller combination of drugs we might see more of my "native" state. I've heard horror stories about getting off these drugs, but the doc seems to think I may just feel a little more reactive and moody for the next ten days or so until my brain chemistry settles into the new dosages. Right now the Celexa is letting the synaptic gaps in my brain stay very full or serotonin to treat depression while the Risperdal comes in behind it and kind of keeps a lid on the serotonin and dopamine especially to keep me from going into mania. By lowering both meds at the same time there will be less feel good chemical in the gaps but also less of a lid on things. The doc thinks it will balance out anyhow. Inevitably getting rid of Celexa lowers my risk for mania. This is the main goal assuming depression doesn't creep back in

I think this is a great thing. I don't think I've ever been more ready to do this. I don't have anything major coming up. I have a very low stress job situation right now and I have a lot of family support. I also think it will be beneficial to do this during the summer with the longer days and warmer weather. I guess if you've never taken drugs for depression or bipolar this probably sounds very strange. Just take a smaller pill, right??? Lets hope! I watched a Wayne Dyer lecture recently where he talked about stress. He was teaching about how we expect certain life events to be stressful like when our parents die, we change jobs, buy a new house or end a relationship. His point was that most of the time its the expectation that these things will be terrible and hard to get through that make them so terrible. What makes these things innately stressful or bad?

I'm going to stick with the attitude that all I have to do is take some smaller pills. The expectation that withdrawal will be terrible is what will screw me in the end if I get flustered. My doctor alluded to this as he walked me out of his office yesterday. He said "You know things could just go fine, it's not that big of a change, don't psych yourself out!"

There's the rub, roll with the changes...

Starting a second job...

I get funny looks when I tell people what I do for a living. A lot of people don't even know my job title exist let alone know where to find me. My technical title is "Registered Polysomnographic Sleep Technologist"...that's a big word to describe a clinician who works at a sleep disorders center...a Sleep Tech. In short, I watch people sleep and try and find ways to help them get the most and refreshing quality of sleep possible. I'm part of a treatment team consisting of doctors, nursers, respiratory therapists and sleep techs who diagnose and treat a variety of disorders ranging from Insomnia, Sleep Apnea, Narcolepsy, Chronic Fatigue, Klein Levin Syndrome and REM behavior disorder. Despite the lack of public knowledge of sleep as a medical discipline most adults at some point or another have issues with sleep. Many never make it past their primary care doctor who writes a script for a hypnotic agent like Ambien or Lunesta, but when people look for more answers they typically find themselves at a sleep clinic. I've been a sleep tech for three years and I achieved board certification in February of 2009.

I started my latest gig tonight working for a doctor I met in 2008. I was interested because he has acquired a large research grant and has been doing some pretty cool stuff. This year he and his staff helped facilitate a double blind study observing the effects of risperidone vs. placebo on sleep and EEG (brain wave) activity in a group of schizophrenic patients. The study was nationwide and also had participants in India. The patients were paid very well for participating one night a week for nine weeks.

It's unfortunate how far the stigma of mental illness runs, even among trained medical professionals. I knew one of the sleep techs who worked on the research (the one who got me this job) and had to chuckle inside as they talked about risperidone as if it was only a medicine for the completely demented and insane. I take risperidone everyday as a maintenance med for Bipolar II, however this colleagues is unaware that I have Bipolar disorder or take psychotropic medications at all. I guess I pass pretty well...

So the doc's goal is to get us involved in some more drug trials. We could be on the cusp of the next great hypnotic or benzo. Who knows? So I'm super excited about this side job. I'm only committing to two shifts a month. I'm still keeping my full time job which is three nights a week with full benefits and pension and all that jazz. I was sort of scared to exert myself any more than I have been. I pulled back a lot last August after a hellish summer and have been taking it pretty easy with just my three nights at the hospital. All of my mood swings and episodes are related to environmental stress, but I feel like i can keep everything in perspective. Now is the time to work hard. The wife and I don't have kids yet and we are looking to be homeowners next year so the extra five hundred bucks a month will come in handy.

Above everything else it will be interesting to apply my skill set in a different way. I spend about 95% of my time treating sleep apnea so some cool research studies and drug trials will be a much welcomed change of pace.

mellow

sleepy head...

I can't get out of bed these days...I just can't do it! Tomorrow I'm gonna set two alarms and force myself up. I had plans to hang out with the wife and I slept all afternoon. I think I hurt her feelings, which is making me feel kind of icky right now. I'm not feeling as a fatigued as a few weeks ago, but this sleeping fourteen hours a day thing is annoying. I've always been a sleepy head ever since i was a kid. I feel pretty bad about it. Sloth is my worst defect.

I guess it could be one of the meds working against me, but the cocktail has been stable for quite some time and I've never had problems with fatigue before. I mess with my vitamins all the time, but I seriously doubt they could be causing the fatigue. I'm basically dropping a nuclear bomb of B vitamins on my system everyday. How the B's could be working against me I don't know. Too much B usually is eliminated through urine with little ill effect. I might try augmenting my magnesium back to all 400mg at night, but that always leads to gut trouble so who knows. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I should probably just get off my ass and start exercising. That would fix it in an instant!

I'm going to try and blog several times a week from here on out, but its hard to put yourself out there. I feel real insecure about it, but i know i just need to work at it.

I get to hang with my 12 step friends tomorrow. It's always fun to hang out with the drunks. They make me laugh. It's hard to believe that I haven't had a drink in three and a half years. Probably the best decision I've ever made....

Anyhow that's today's blog...

mellow

feeling normal again...

So how long has it been???

I had kind of given up on this blog thing. I thought it was all a load of crap, but when I gave it a read today I felt like I should give it another try. I've got nothing better to do at 4:40am anyhow. I think I was in a real pissy mood the last few blogs I wrote...today I'm in a really good mood!

I guess over the last month or so I have achieved a remission. No serious symptoms. I had a bout with some hypomania in February and I've really been struggling with fatigue, but I think the bipolar is in check so to speak.

I started Weight Watchers about 10 weeks ago and I've lost 26 pounds so things are good on that front. I'm still way over weight, but a solid year of binge eating will do that to a person. I guess there is hope. I just need to hang in there and continue with what I'm doing. The wife is really trying to get me in to running. It's done wonders for her. I just need to take the plunge. I bought a $100 pair of shoes that are just sitting in my closet. Exercise is suppose to be great for mood stabilization, but I'm just lazy.

Jane (my therapist) had cut me back to every other week and last week she said she didn't think I needed to come but once a month. I've got to admit I'm a little freaked out. I've gotten so use to seeing Jane and the doc all the time that doing things on my own seems a little scary, but I guess my treatment team is trying to send me a message. Maybe I'm not that fucked up after all. Maybe I'm actually stable for once. Who would have thought that could happen.

The fatigue was a real issue and I think sticking to a good sleep schedule has helped more than anything. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I'm going to work graveyard I'm going to have to live nocturnal all the time. I function so much better when go to bed and get up at the same time everyday. I had added 4000mg Rhodiola for about 5 weeks to see if it would help with energy, but I didn't really see results. Then about a month ago I started 3000mg of sublingual B12 and 400mg D3. Then last week I changed from a B stress to a B100 complex. Anyhow all vitamins aside the sleep schedule is what is making me feel the best and the most chipper. I still struggle with getting out of bed. I don't know what it is with me, but getting up is just a drag. Once I'm up I don't feel depressed or anything I just have trouble getting out from under the covers.

I switched my fish oil over to a supplement called Omega Mood. I'm taking two 1000mg capsules and it has a 1000mg of EPA and 150 mg of DHA. I also switched over to Magnesium Glycinate. I'm taking 400mg. The Citrate was giving me gut trouble. The meds are all the same as usual. This will be the first time i've gone a full three months between visits to the doc in at least a year and a half. I see him in July some time.

Things are good I guess! I'm posting this to psycobabble. So maybe some of you guys on babble can subscribe and comment...

Peace

-mellow

The current cocktail...

Risperdal 2mg
Celexa 20mg
Topamax 50mg
Lamictal 100mg

Multi Vitamin
Omega Mood 2000mg
Magnesium Glycinate 400mg
Vitamin D3 400mg
B Complex 100
B12 3000mg

Coffee, Radiohead and Airplanes...

The Starbucks is calm today. They dripped espresso as the bold this morning and I'm digging it...it seems earthy and full. It's a Radiohead morning...Amnesiac...and as Pack like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box beats through my phones I'm trying to tone out the gossip of the middle age crew that sits in the corner every morning. But I don't really mind...I'm working on interacting. Socializing. Realizing I'm no better, no less...some days I have to keep from living in my own little world...forcing myself to interact with a another person instead of playing a game of hide and seek with the rest of the human race...So as the baby boomers talk about college basketball and the price of luxury cars I take a deep breath and try and take in some of their energy, their presence.

I'm flying down south for a wedding this weekend. Travel is always fun, but I can't help but feel a little out of place at weddings. Everyone gets lubed up with booze to ease the awkwardness of having to spend an entire evening with a bunch of people they don't know or haven't seen in years and that's a luxury I can't afford. Alcohol and me don't mix, coming to this conclusion has probably saved my life. Some people don't understand why it makes me uncomfortable, but none the less it's something I have to deal with when I go to big celebratory events. Anyhow, I'll call my sponsor and talk it over before the big dance.

But I am looking forward to eating some seafood!

mellow

Can't put my finger on it...

I don't really know how i feel today-

And that's absolutely strange for me...I woke up to a crash in our bathroom, a shelf lost its place in a cabinet while Katie brushed her teeth. I was startled and rolled over and made the decision to get out of bed at the ripe hour of 6:00 am. I'm still jumping out of bed most days, a sign that life is good right now and that the wave of depression hasn't come crashing to the shore yet. But I have to ask myself if its really on its way. Maybe it's all a load of shit...a misguided expectation.

I was jacked on coffee last night when I started ranting at two friends after a twelve step meeting...my theory was that we are always at war and all going crazy because humans aren't meant to live in our ultramodern fashion...

"I mean when you watch the discovery channel and they have like some islanders from Fiji who live half naked in huts...they are happier and more stable than us! Maybe the industrialized world is just fucked!"

My friend Aaron somewhat agreed arguing that: "It's not necessarily the industry. Some of that is necessary for civilization. Its more of the massive consumption campaign that is driving us all crazy. How many images you are exposed to in one day right now...how many more than say people three hundred years ago...it has to effect you some how the constant message to consume...wait have you read 1984...Orwell...just read 1984!"

This leads me to my point for today...I gotta buck up! This world is not worth stressing over. Its really not!!! I'm sitting in Starbucks as a line flows out the door. Everyone chats on their blackberries. The common theme-

Work, Stress, Fear.

It's so ridiculous I laugh on the inside. Actually I stop laughing because it makes me a little sad. Right now there are at least four self help books on our dresser and what for??? So I can function better in this clusterfuck!

Ok, I DO know how I feel today-

I feel cynical. That's a dangerous place for me. I have a session with Jane today and I can't wait. Beside the fact that I look forward to our afternoon chats, I need to express some of this and get in a better place...

Ok, so here is the resolution. I'm not gonna read anymore self help. I'm going to relax and embrace the moments as they come. No more judgments or irrational fears. I'm motivated...albeit a little pissy and grand standish!

mellow

what is the thought game???

So I'm trying to figure out what this blog is going to be about...

It erupted somewhere out a mood swing last week which is still hanging around a bit, a little less intense, but very much still here. I guess last week I just had to do something with my energy and well...this week it seems like a challenge to grab the thoughts from within and package them in sentences. Now I see why writers are nuts...

So anyhow I guess I should try and explain/figure out for myself why I'm doing this. There could be several reasons, but there are two that stand out. Self expression is number one I think. I've got a lot to say and have for a long time. I guess getting it out helps. This is a safe forum for that because no one has to know who I am. Maybe one day I will figure out a way to express myself openly and not be riddled with the inner voice that tells me to shut the fuck up before they lock me up. This is a big problems for me. I think once you delve into your psyche there is a tendency to feel like damaged goods...I was absolutely convinced at twenty three years old that I was incurably insane. I remember hating my therapist the day she jotted in her therapy notes that I might be bipolar. It didn't register to me that the new approach that came with the diagnosis was helping me. In fact I remember commenting to my dad in late 2006 that the mood stabilizers had saved my life, but even then I still fought the diagnosis. I thought people with manic depressive illness where total loons and to be slapped with that label did something to me on the inside. It wasn't even that particular label it was the labeling since the beginning. Since I was a kid. I always had a health professional prodding at me with an explanation for my behavior. From the time I was six years old my parents were told something was wrong with me. I think the labeling hurts and that's why people aren't able to accept their conditions. By the time they get the right one they are spent. I think that's why people don't get well.

I remember sitting in my psychiatrist office sometime...maybe July 2009. I was getting my ass handed to me by life. We had changed medicines and doses three session in a row which is pretty rough. (You know this all to well if you're on psychotropics) I had a little agenda for the session. After the usual questions when he paused and started typing notes I leaned over and said, "You know doc what if I'm not really bipolar and we are off base. What if I really just have major depression disorder and get hyperactive every once in awhile." He looked up deadpan without missing a beat, "It doesn't matter if you have bipolar disorder or major depression disorder with periods of hyperactivity. You have mood disturbances that need to be treated. Don't worry so much about what to call it. If there is a piece of you that is frustrated with the term bipolar that's a great issue to jump into with your therapist."

At first I took it for a "shut up and take the pills, don't be difficult" type of comment, but as I look back on those sessions and the place I was in I can see his point...everything in my being wants to not be bipolar...but there's nothing I can do about it...in fact what little I can do to make it bearable is completely mute if I don't accept my condition and take direction from my treatment team.

So that's reason number two: acceptance. I'm trying as of late to keep a positive spin on my condition and take responsibility for managing it. I've got to quit playing the thought game. It's that constant inner analysis that wants to reason every emotion. It makes snap judgments about everything. It ask stupid questions like: "Am I truly happy?" Its an existential chess match with the ego that always leads to misery and it has to end if I want to have a positive human experience.

There's a solution to all this. It's balancing out that negative voice that tells you you're damaged goods with the honest voice. The voice that knows you're not a loon or a diagnosis on a chart. The voice that represents whats real. So I guess the point of the blog is to publish my journey through life both past and present...and maybe see if others can relate.

Does that make sense???

mellow