And a new journey begins...

Sitting down with my Coke Zero to blog for the first time in a week feels good. It's been a great week. For the first time in god knows how long I had a week without fatigue. Last Saturday with friends and family in town I finally took a long awaited plunge into exercise. In March after I spent $200 at the running store I was side lined by the harsh reality that I was simply to fat to start running. My shins would literally ache to the point where walking was excruciating the next day.

I opted instead four months ago to commit to comfortable walks a few times a week and a healthy diet plan. I started Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds. So last Saturday when my wife, brother in law, and an old college pal put on their running gear I was feeling a little left out. At the last minute I threw on my Asic Gel Kayano 15's (upgraded with shock absorbing insoles mind you) and said I would tag along. Of course I couldn't handle the 7 mile trek the others were setting off on, but maybe I could make it a mile or two.

As we stretched at the park I couldn't help but feel out of place, but I mimicked the motions of my companions and tried to act like all the other "in shape" people at the park. Hitting start on my RunKeeper iphone app I took off behind Katie and company. I managed to tag along for a little while and they would glance back giving the thumbs up. By the half mile mark I could tell they were proud expecting me to have choked by then. My phone read 12:30/mile pace and I began to let them get away. As I approached the mile mark they disappeared into the trails ahead probably just getting warm. I wasn't upset though. I had accomplished something. I had run continuously for 15 minutes.

After our guest left town on Sunday we went out again. This time just Katie and I for 1.5 miles. We ran for 20 minutes continuously and walked back to the car. I felt great. I felt like a million bucks. Monday I went to the psychiatric hospital downtown and facilitated a 12 step meeting for some of the patients there. Volunteer work always feels great. On the way home I itched to run even though I had planned a rest day. I got home and rushed out at 8:30 for another 1.5 miles and did it faster than the day before. I felt amazing!

Tuesday I went to work and relaxed, but Wednesday I got up early before work (Who the hell is this guy!!!) and went out in the scorching heat for another run. I felt great all night at work thumbing through the pages of a Runners World at work dreaming of running the Boston Marathon one day. Thursday was a rest day and then Friday morning after working graveyard Katie and I took a walk down to Starbucks. I jokingly asked if she wanted to run back to the house as we left the coffee shop and she took off! As we got to the mile mark I felt a burst of energy like a high and lengthened my stride. This was definitely my most comfortable run yet. "Your gonna make me run fast you little speed demon." Katie shouted. "We've got to catch the Kenyans!" I joked as I ran my first time at a sub 10 minute/mile pace. Our dog Jack darted along his nose just behind me nearly tripping me several times as we turned towards the house.

When we got home I took a hot shower and updated my Facebook status bragging about my run, just before icing my hurting shins. Sleep came easy. I can honestly say I feel better this week than i have in at least two years. I had a brush with vegetarianism in 2007 where I was in pretty good shape (for a fat guy) and I felt pretty stellar back then. I'm back at that level again I think. It's amazing what can happen when we let ourselves go. I can't believe I almost got to 300 pounds (Started WW at 297 lbs), but it's also amazing that in just four months I've got myself back on track for greatness. I'm hoping this week is merely the beginning of a climb towards being in the best shape of my life.

It's funny three weeks ago I was bitching on the blog about how I needed to do this and Saturday probably out of a little jealously I just stormed out there and followed my pals down the path. It feels good to have my first week behind me. Each run has gotten a little easier and the energy stays with you all day hanging around like a good buzz.

My first race will be Thanksgiving day at the Turkey Trot 5k. I'm pumped. Here's to feeling good!

mellow

The Mighty Omegas!

Today I decided to blog about one of my favorite supplements. Fish Oil. Omega 3 fish oils have long been know to have benefits for our hearts, but more and more research is proving that fish oil is somewhat of a super supplement and may have a use in treating major depression and bipolar disorder.

Fish oil was the first supplement I began experimenting with a few years ago. After a visit to the doctor I found out I wasn't only near sighted, but I also had chronic dry eye. My doctor recommended that I take a capsule of fish oil everyday. I didn't put much thought into it and just picked up an economy bottle for a good price at Walgreens the next time I was in the pharmacy. I took 1000 mg of fish oil for a couple of years without ever thinking about it or noticing any benefit. Then in February of 2010 I read Marya Hornbacher's Book "Madness: A Bipolar Life" and in the conclusion she mentions that she takes high doses of fish oil. (Marya's genius deserves her own blog, so I'm sure I'll post about her when she publishes her new book next month!) This prompted me to explore the fish oil route so I went down to my local vitamin store and asked about fish oil. I was in for a surprise as there was an entire section just for omegas, flax, cod liver and coconut oils. I bought what the hippie girl behind the cash register recommended and started taking 3000 mg that afternoon.

Boy was I surprised! I started feeling better immediately. What I learned soon later was that the fish oil I had purchased was a much better quality oil than the stuff I was getting at Walgreens. After some research I learned that there are two primary fatty acids in fish oils that give them their magical benefit. Eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA), and Docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) I also realized that the capsules I had been buying only had about 300 mg of these acids per a serving of two capsules and the rest of capsule was filler like sardine oil. The new capsules I had bought had 600 mg of these acids per serving. I was also taking 3 capsules of the super potent fish oil instead of 1 cap of the weak stuff. My research went further and eventually found that the eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) was the particular acid that scientist thought had the most benefit for people with depression. I found a supplement called "Omega Mood" that had a 1000 mg of EPA and 150 mg DHA per serving. I've started taking two caps per day and the benefits are undeniable.

Here is a great article pulled from Medscape that suggest omegas can be effective in treating several mood disorders.

We start off with the interesting fact that over 60% of the dry weight of the brain is composed of lipids whose role in the CNS is structural (eg, neuronal membranes) or functional (eg, membrane-bound receptors and associated neurotransmitter functioning).[2] Essential fatty acid metabolism can influence many aspects of brain development, including neuronal migration, axonal and dendritic growth, and the creation, remodeling, and pruning of synaptic connections.[3] Because humans cannot synthesize certain essential fatty acids, notably omega-3 fatty acids, these must come from the diet.

Epidemiologic data suggest that populations that consume large amounts of fish, such as the Japanese, appear to have relatively low rates of major depression.[4] A study of 3403 men and women in Finland correlated the likelihood of depression symptoms on the 21-item Beck Depression Inventory with frequency of fish consumption. There was a 31% increase in the odds ratio of having mild to severe depression symptoms among infrequent (less than once a week) fish consumers compared with frequent (at least once a week) users.[5]

In addition, rates of depression are high and increasing in parts of the world (eg, United States and Western Europe) where changes in agriculture and food technology have shifted diets away from omega-3 fatty acids toward the physiologically competitive omega-6 fatty acids (from commercial and processed vegetable oils). Also, depression is often comorbid with various medical disorders, such as cancer, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and inflammatory disorders. It has been suggested that impaired fatty acid and phospholipid metabolism underlie both depression and comorbid medical problems.[6]

The best clinical trial of omega-3 fatty acids for treatment of affective disorder involved adult outpatients with bipolar disorder. These patients, in addition to their ongoing usual treatment, received either a supplement of omega-3 fatty acids or an olive oil placebo. The source of the omega-3 fatty acids for this placebo-controlled, double-blind trial was menhaden fish body oil concentrate. Nine (64.3%) of the 14 patients treated with omega-3 fatty acids responded to treatment, compared with 3 (18.8%) of the 16 placebo-treated subjects (P = .02). Since that study was completed, the same authors also reported treating another 22 bipolar patients with open-label flaxseed oil, which is also an omega-3 fatty acid source. Eighteen of the 22 bipolar patients treated with the flaxseed oil appeared to benefit, with many patients reporting a distinct mood-elevating effect from the flaxseed oil supplement.

For the full article go to:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/409997
You may be promted to create a free account to view the article.

For the wikipedia page on Omega 3's:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Omega-3_fatty_acid
Here is another great article about Omega's:
http://www.mcmanweb.com/omega3.html

I've linked some of my favorite fish oil products here:

Barlean's Fish Oil
http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=232105&catid=2652
Country Life Omega Mood
http://www.gnc.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3922789&CAWELAID=441772264

I'll conclude my blog by saying I think everyone should take an Omega 3 product. I definitely feel a sharpness as if I'm a little more intelligent and I also have a much brighter mood. I seem a little more confident and I'm able to let things that I would usually ruminate over just be as they are. Perhaps this is the result of my full cocktail of supplements working together, but fish oil was my starting point.

Have a great day everybody...I hope this blog was helpful.

mellow

lazy...

I slept too much the last couple of days...even when I was awake I wanted my bed. I don't think I'm depressed, probably just bored. It's been really hard for me to stay motivated with things like my blog, the diet and exercise. I need to spend more time doing and less time thinking.

It's been a week since I started tapering off two of my drugs. The first few days were a little uncomfortable. I had a dull headache and as little bouts of panic would set in carbs seemed to be the only thing that would help. So needless to say I gained four pounds last week. Then Monday I had a strange dip in mood. I got to work early before any of my co workers and felt really empty all of a sudden. It was like one of those Sunday afternoon lonely feelings. It went away eventually and I think the worst of any sort of withdrawal is gone by now. My brain should be getting use to the new lower doses of the drugs.

I went for a walk with Katie (she doesn't want to be called "the wife" anymore) yesterday morning and we talked some about the past. We talked about how long I had been trying to get off these drugs. It seems odd to be doing so well. When we were talking about alcoholism and mental hospitals it didn't even seem like we were talking about me.

I was doing some research for the blog the other day and surfing around on youtube. If you search "lamictal" on youtube you will find at least a dozen video blogs of people talking about Bipolar disorder. I spent three hours watching them the other night and they reminded me a lot of myself when I first got diagnosed. I almost laughed because I use to think I was unique. It appears that I wasn't the only one that hated my doctor, had trouble getting insurance, was pissed that I couldn't get drunk anymore and was eating everything in sight. It was really eye opening for me see people dealing with this thing from the beginning...before trying tons of drugs, before the years of therapy, before reading all the books, before any sort of relief. I wanted to go through and email every one of them and tell them things get so much better and then I realized they are probably millions of people in this country alone that are going through the beginning stages of this. They're in the shit period, when everything sucks and you're your own worst enemy.

I think something I've been struggling with lately is leaving the drama behind. This is hard to admit. There is a certain allure to being a tortured soul. Like an afternoon curled up in bed with an Elliot Smith record. I know that sounds crazy, but getting better is like going through a bad break up...you have to walk away and not look back, but a part of you wants to look back no matter how bad it was...because even if it was bad it was comfortable...it was what you knew for so long...and you know once you walk away its really over. There's a piece of you that likes to walk into the shrinks office with your latte and sit on the couch and talk about how life is meaningless and comb through every bit of your past looking for what set you off in the first place.

I don't know if that makes since, but that's where I'm at right now. Its a comfort thing, but its a cop out! I know now is the time to move forward into something better and new. Hell the shrink is even trying to get rid of me...she doesn't think we have anything to talk about.

Anyhow, I didn't think I was gonna write an existential thesis about the value of suffering this morning but that's what came out. I apologize.

mellow

mediocre coffee, the present moment...

I'm sleeping kind of strange here lately. Five hours here a few more there. So I was up at dawn and the wife and I went down to Starbucks to get fixed up. I've been bouncing around the house listening to really loud pop music trying to find inspiration for today's blog. I really want to push the blog beyond my mental quirks and talking about meds. So today I will try and touch on some other stuff like spirituality and philosophy.

I've always gotten a kick out of the average joe, the underdog. Most of the young people I meet today are on their quest. Kids start touring college campuses at 16 years old these days already planning out years of their lives. We get taught to cheat the present moment right from the get go. In a world where everyone is so willing to trample one another for fortune its refreshing to see some people just living life day to day and doing it right. By doing it right I mean smiling, making others smile and living for the day at hand. I spent so much of my life letting each day fly by me and until recently I think I knew little about how to approach twenty four brand new hours.

My favorite group of average joes are down at my corner Starbucks. I've had better coffee for sure, but its the people that keep me coming in day in and day out. I was in the shop a month or so ago and as I waited for my drink I watched a group of baristas musing over a baseball card. When I asked who it was they motioned to one of the newer employees. Let's call him "Will" for the sake of his privacy. He's a guy in his early 40's. Not your typical young hipster Starbucks employee. I looked down at the card to see Will in an Expos uniform posing in his batting stance. "No way" I said. He smiled and explained that it was no big deal,that he had only been called up from the minors for one season in fifteen years.

"I hit a grand slam in Yankee stadium though, that was awesome..."

"No shit!" I said

Will works a mid shift so he is there practically everyday when I go in at 5:30 on my way into work or with my wife on our afternoon coffee dates. He always yells "GOLDBERG" when I walk in because I look like Goldberg the wrestler from the late 90's. Big and bald with a bushy goatee. I'd bet there are a lot of people like Will out there these days especially after the recession. People are sometimes forced to take non traditional jobs for their skill set. Working outside of one's profession just trying to scrape by can probably bruise the ego a bit, but that's what today's blog is about...

We can't try and hurry our way through transitions or put life on the back burner as we work towards a goal. We will never be complete this way. Life is an action I think. Its something we do. We walk the dog, cook the meal, write the blog, etc. We have to participate fully. If we aren't enjoying each day, each action as a single unit then we are missing out I think. As I go through my days its hard not to get caught in the thought babble of "lose 30 more pounds", "start running", "go back to school", "spend more time with the wife," but I know that just catching myself and coming back to the present moment is progress from where I was say six months ago.

Its funny...I think there is an element of zen to mastering a skill. When I do things I am really good at I'm not thinking about anything but the action. My head is clear. I think this is when we have the most potential to do good in the world. We can really affect people's lives and sometimes we may never know we are doing it. I don't think Will knows how much he is affecting mine everyday when he sells me coffee. Perhaps the purpose of life is to be this for another.

Some thoughts for you all to ponder...

mellow

taper, taper, taper...

Today is the first day on my path to just taking mood stabilizers for Bipolar disorder. I've been taking a four drug cocktail (not including supplements and vitamins!) since 2006 that included an SSRI, an antipsychotic and two mood stabilizers(anticonvulsants). So this is a big step!

During yesterday's visit with the doc we came to the conclusion that I was ready to start pulling back on my SSRI, a drug called Celexa (citalopram) as well as the antipsychotic Risperdal (risperidone). I'll be cutting both medicines in half. From 20mg to 10mg of Celexa and from 2mg to 1mg of Risperdal. The doc didn't seem to think this was too aggressive of a taper. I was a little concerned, but he reassured me that I was strong enough to do this. He said the goal would be to get to a point where I was only taking mood stabilizers and that with this smaller combination of drugs we might see more of my "native" state. I've heard horror stories about getting off these drugs, but the doc seems to think I may just feel a little more reactive and moody for the next ten days or so until my brain chemistry settles into the new dosages. Right now the Celexa is letting the synaptic gaps in my brain stay very full or serotonin to treat depression while the Risperdal comes in behind it and kind of keeps a lid on the serotonin and dopamine especially to keep me from going into mania. By lowering both meds at the same time there will be less feel good chemical in the gaps but also less of a lid on things. The doc thinks it will balance out anyhow. Inevitably getting rid of Celexa lowers my risk for mania. This is the main goal assuming depression doesn't creep back in

I think this is a great thing. I don't think I've ever been more ready to do this. I don't have anything major coming up. I have a very low stress job situation right now and I have a lot of family support. I also think it will be beneficial to do this during the summer with the longer days and warmer weather. I guess if you've never taken drugs for depression or bipolar this probably sounds very strange. Just take a smaller pill, right??? Lets hope! I watched a Wayne Dyer lecture recently where he talked about stress. He was teaching about how we expect certain life events to be stressful like when our parents die, we change jobs, buy a new house or end a relationship. His point was that most of the time its the expectation that these things will be terrible and hard to get through that make them so terrible. What makes these things innately stressful or bad?

I'm going to stick with the attitude that all I have to do is take some smaller pills. The expectation that withdrawal will be terrible is what will screw me in the end if I get flustered. My doctor alluded to this as he walked me out of his office yesterday. He said "You know things could just go fine, it's not that big of a change, don't psych yourself out!"

There's the rub, roll with the changes...