It seems as though I've been given a new mantra recently.
Stop seeking-
And while I'll admit it resonates very deep within me and makes me smile when I read/here/see it, it's so terribly difficult to stop doing something I've been doing for years. Looking for happiness, fulfillment and meaning in my life has been my obsession for years and its taken me through many emotional landscapes and even to the point of dysfunction at times. I think most of my personal growth has come from correcting the trajectories of obviously destructive paths in my life.
But where did most of those difficult journeys begin? What made me choose those paths? It seems crystal clear to me now that most of my difficulties whether alcoholism, emotional disturbances, my unstable professional life, or struggles with weight all flared up as a result of this "pursuit" if you will. I jumped on those destructive paths because I was looking for something. An edge, the perfect life or the end of suffering. And more often than not, a quick fix or a distraction from the fact that I wasn't getting what I sought!
As I look back I can see that I let my expectations and attitudes color my life. I had a skewed vision of what was really going on. And when you have distorted expectations of what a life can and should be...well of course you're not going to live up to it all. You'll go about blaming others or worse blaming yourself for all that went wrong. There may even be a subconscious part of me that wanted to stay a jaded drunk asshole. What's the fun in being fulfilled? Then you can't engage in your favorite pastime of seeking the better job, the next vacation, the next fatty meal, etc.
For the last few weeks I have continually gotten the same message. Quit seeking, quit looking, just be, just experience and enjoy. I've gotten this message from friends, several bloggers I follow and my wife drops little zen snippets on me all the time. But how do you really clear the table? Do you just give up the search and smile more? Do you go live in India with no possessions until you're enlightened? Do you taper this seeking addiction? Because that's what it really is.
I'm addicted to stuff and I'm obsessed with myself-
The self talk and seeking make life uncomfortable so, like anyone, I use stuff to numb it out. Everyone does this. We just use different stuff. The western world is set up to engage our every desire so we can do exactly this. Be numb in a state of mindlessness. Hell sometimes it's pure bliss. Everyone loves ice cream! I have all kinds of stuff I like to use. Luckily I've tackled alcohol and drugs, but I still fall short when it comes to food, web surfing and buying things I don't really need.
I could beat myself up, but I preached against that a few months ago here on the blog. It's really not about improving per se...that would just be more seeking. I think the reason my new mantra resonates with me is because I can recognize the insanity in my behaviors and thought patterns. No guru or monk is striking me over the head with a staff and saying "Change all this stuff you low life!!!" I think the great people making these observations are simply giving pointers. Like saying, "Hey you've tried walking that path...walk this way over here for a while...see what happens".
I've tried charging out toward a destination seeking treasures. Perhaps I'll just try walking with nothing in mind for awhile.
Feeling each step...
Peace,
mellow
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