Back on Track

Ughh what a day...I was in kind of a funky place today. The laziness continues. I popped some Melatonin last night and went to bed thinking I'd get up early and mow my jungle of a lawn. As 9:30 rolled around I thought to myself..."I should get up and mow the lawn" and then 10:30...11:30...and then it was 3:51pm and I felt like a worthless piece of crap as I started the weed eater having wasted sixteen hours in the bed. Needless to say I only got half of the yard work done before surrendering to the inferno of the afternoon with the resolution that tomorrow is another day.

It's only happening about once a week now, but no human should sleep that long. I was suppose to see my doc about it this week, but he just had a surgery on his neck and canceled my appointment. I don't know what it is. I feel pretty good on most days. I don't feel particularly fatigued, but some days I'm just not getting out of the bed.

Luckily Katie didn't give me shit about it and I got to spend a good portion of time with her tonight. We went out to eat at the VegaDeli which is an all vegan restaurant. I got a hummus burger on pita and a soy milk shake. Katie got a juice concoction of kale, cucumber and apple juice. (gross!) I felt better after getting some yard work done and having some quality time over a healthy meal. After some TV time Katie went to bed and I took Jack out for a walk. It was relaxing and I milled over what tonight's blog would be about.

So...

I've been on my own ass again lately. I'm obsessed with perfection and I think it is really detrimental to my overall enjoyment of life. I'm obsessed with all kinds of stuff. My weight, money, things I should have achieved by now, what degree I should go get next, new career paths, etc. Katie says I crave stress. My therapist Jane trys to get me to keep from engaging in this self talk. "Whats wrong with your career right now, why not master your skills and open up opportunities within your current field?" she'll say. And the thing is I know she is right. I feel better when I accept myself not just for who I am, but for who I am today. This life with these shortcomings, with this moody brain and with a great many talents...I always look past the talents. I never give myself credit for the amazing life I'm living today and that's such a cheat on today. And when will life always be happening? TODAY!

So as I walked with Jack I took a moment to breath in the air and accept today for today, and it's not that bad. It's awesome! There's air in my lungs and I'm alive. So I totally turned this day around and got back on track. Got some laundry done, shaved my head, got some exercise and generally got in a better place. The more I think about it the more I am realizing this depression or bipolar thing is less about chemicals and biology and more about confidence and spirituality. There is no doubt that medications have saved my ass, but the remaining issues I have couldn't be fixed with a pill anyway. What remains are existential questions and a battle with demons that have been around since I was a kid. "Core issues" as Jane says and tonight I took a walk and won the battle. And tonight's the only night that matters...

mellow