A friend of mine post a Dalai Lama quote as his facebook status everyday. As I flew past it on my iphone the other day all I caught was: if there is one certainty in life it is suffering. I didn't think much of it buzzing from my pike roast and on the way into work, but I'm thinking about it in the wee hours of this Sunday morning.
I met with my doctor last week and decided I was going to stop taking my citalopram, an SSRI type drug I've been taking for five or so years. I posted about tapering off some of my meds a couple of months ago and until the last few days all seemed to be well. Suddenly...maybe Tuesday...my heart started feeling like it was going to pop out of my chest and I had a deep feeling of dread or anticipation like butterflies in your stomach before you're suppose to meet with your boss. It's the type of anxiety I haven't felt in years. A type I remember all too well from darker points in my life.
I remember sitting on my couch in college getting incredibly intoxicated night after night and babbling to whoever would listen about the pain that was my life...and it scares me that this week I felt that sadness and fear again. I felt wounded and vulnerable like I was going insane. I found myself complaining a lot and talking to just about anyone who would listen, but at a certain point I had to just let go. I yelled at myself in a firm voice Wednesday night sitting at my desk...
"This is how you feel...and you need to accept it, just own it and be done with it!"
For a brief moment I didn't feel so bad.
Thursday was alright. I had therapy and Jane said I was in a "bad neighborhood" in my head, but I felt better when I left which was good. There were no awkward silences. We talked the whole session and I felt like I was on the edge of resolve, but hadn't quite found the solution. Katie and I went grocery shopping Friday night and bought a weeks worth of stuff for $55. It's part of our attempt to see if we could make it as "poor" people. (Food stamps come out to about $28/adult/week) It took going out of our way and going to two grocery stores, but we managed. I doubt we'll starve.
Last night my friend Charlie scored me a free ticket to the Flaming Lips concert in Columbia. The conversation flowed freely on the two hour trip down and I felt a little more at ease. What can I say about the show...it was incredible. I don't think Wayne Coyne is a rock star as much as he is a spiritual guru. The show was composed of the usual antics and noise symphony that the Lips are famous for, and between songs Wayne gave us little snippets of wisdom and insight to song lyrics. Driving home the message that life is all about giving love to one another.
They closed with "Do You Realize". My eyes welled up with tears, moved by the joy of the music and energy of the crowd with their hands high and swaying. I thought to myself as I walked back to the parking garage how its all yin and yang this life. I've been going through some pretty heavy stuff lately. My heads been all over the place. That show probably wouldn't have meant anything to me without my current situation as a back drop...and it all fell together so brilliantly with Charlie calling me Thursday night to invite me...it was totally spur of the moment.
So it wasn't until I sat down to blog that the Lama's quote hit me. It's suffering that makes us human...of course it's all relative. There's 6 billion people on this planet and we all experience pain in our own way, but we have to own it and get past it to succeed. Maybe he meant that it doesn't have to own us. It doesn't have to consume our reality. When the pain consumes my reality it takes away from what I have to give to this world...and I think, like Wayne says, I have a lot of love to give.
It would be a crying shame to let pain destroy my ability to love and mold the world in a positive way. Perhaps I need to learn to coexist with discomfort.
It won't kill me...
mellow
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