lazy...

I slept too much the last couple of days...even when I was awake I wanted my bed. I don't think I'm depressed, probably just bored. It's been really hard for me to stay motivated with things like my blog, the diet and exercise. I need to spend more time doing and less time thinking.

It's been a week since I started tapering off two of my drugs. The first few days were a little uncomfortable. I had a dull headache and as little bouts of panic would set in carbs seemed to be the only thing that would help. So needless to say I gained four pounds last week. Then Monday I had a strange dip in mood. I got to work early before any of my co workers and felt really empty all of a sudden. It was like one of those Sunday afternoon lonely feelings. It went away eventually and I think the worst of any sort of withdrawal is gone by now. My brain should be getting use to the new lower doses of the drugs.

I went for a walk with Katie (she doesn't want to be called "the wife" anymore) yesterday morning and we talked some about the past. We talked about how long I had been trying to get off these drugs. It seems odd to be doing so well. When we were talking about alcoholism and mental hospitals it didn't even seem like we were talking about me.

I was doing some research for the blog the other day and surfing around on youtube. If you search "lamictal" on youtube you will find at least a dozen video blogs of people talking about Bipolar disorder. I spent three hours watching them the other night and they reminded me a lot of myself when I first got diagnosed. I almost laughed because I use to think I was unique. It appears that I wasn't the only one that hated my doctor, had trouble getting insurance, was pissed that I couldn't get drunk anymore and was eating everything in sight. It was really eye opening for me see people dealing with this thing from the beginning...before trying tons of drugs, before the years of therapy, before reading all the books, before any sort of relief. I wanted to go through and email every one of them and tell them things get so much better and then I realized they are probably millions of people in this country alone that are going through the beginning stages of this. They're in the shit period, when everything sucks and you're your own worst enemy.

I think something I've been struggling with lately is leaving the drama behind. This is hard to admit. There is a certain allure to being a tortured soul. Like an afternoon curled up in bed with an Elliot Smith record. I know that sounds crazy, but getting better is like going through a bad break up...you have to walk away and not look back, but a part of you wants to look back no matter how bad it was...because even if it was bad it was comfortable...it was what you knew for so long...and you know once you walk away its really over. There's a piece of you that likes to walk into the shrinks office with your latte and sit on the couch and talk about how life is meaningless and comb through every bit of your past looking for what set you off in the first place.

I don't know if that makes since, but that's where I'm at right now. Its a comfort thing, but its a cop out! I know now is the time to move forward into something better and new. Hell the shrink is even trying to get rid of me...she doesn't think we have anything to talk about.

Anyhow, I didn't think I was gonna write an existential thesis about the value of suffering this morning but that's what came out. I apologize.

mellow