what is the thought game???

So I'm trying to figure out what this blog is going to be about...

It erupted somewhere out a mood swing last week which is still hanging around a bit, a little less intense, but very much still here. I guess last week I just had to do something with my energy and well...this week it seems like a challenge to grab the thoughts from within and package them in sentences. Now I see why writers are nuts...

So anyhow I guess I should try and explain/figure out for myself why I'm doing this. There could be several reasons, but there are two that stand out. Self expression is number one I think. I've got a lot to say and have for a long time. I guess getting it out helps. This is a safe forum for that because no one has to know who I am. Maybe one day I will figure out a way to express myself openly and not be riddled with the inner voice that tells me to shut the fuck up before they lock me up. This is a big problems for me. I think once you delve into your psyche there is a tendency to feel like damaged goods...I was absolutely convinced at twenty three years old that I was incurably insane. I remember hating my therapist the day she jotted in her therapy notes that I might be bipolar. It didn't register to me that the new approach that came with the diagnosis was helping me. In fact I remember commenting to my dad in late 2006 that the mood stabilizers had saved my life, but even then I still fought the diagnosis. I thought people with manic depressive illness where total loons and to be slapped with that label did something to me on the inside. It wasn't even that particular label it was the labeling since the beginning. Since I was a kid. I always had a health professional prodding at me with an explanation for my behavior. From the time I was six years old my parents were told something was wrong with me. I think the labeling hurts and that's why people aren't able to accept their conditions. By the time they get the right one they are spent. I think that's why people don't get well.

I remember sitting in my psychiatrist office sometime...maybe July 2009. I was getting my ass handed to me by life. We had changed medicines and doses three session in a row which is pretty rough. (You know this all to well if you're on psychotropics) I had a little agenda for the session. After the usual questions when he paused and started typing notes I leaned over and said, "You know doc what if I'm not really bipolar and we are off base. What if I really just have major depression disorder and get hyperactive every once in awhile." He looked up deadpan without missing a beat, "It doesn't matter if you have bipolar disorder or major depression disorder with periods of hyperactivity. You have mood disturbances that need to be treated. Don't worry so much about what to call it. If there is a piece of you that is frustrated with the term bipolar that's a great issue to jump into with your therapist."

At first I took it for a "shut up and take the pills, don't be difficult" type of comment, but as I look back on those sessions and the place I was in I can see his point...everything in my being wants to not be bipolar...but there's nothing I can do about it...in fact what little I can do to make it bearable is completely mute if I don't accept my condition and take direction from my treatment team.

So that's reason number two: acceptance. I'm trying as of late to keep a positive spin on my condition and take responsibility for managing it. I've got to quit playing the thought game. It's that constant inner analysis that wants to reason every emotion. It makes snap judgments about everything. It ask stupid questions like: "Am I truly happy?" Its an existential chess match with the ego that always leads to misery and it has to end if I want to have a positive human experience.

There's a solution to all this. It's balancing out that negative voice that tells you you're damaged goods with the honest voice. The voice that knows you're not a loon or a diagnosis on a chart. The voice that represents whats real. So I guess the point of the blog is to publish my journey through life both past and present...and maybe see if others can relate.

Does that make sense???

mellow