i woke up today...
everything was good today...
went for a little run today...
it didn't hurt today...
i felt pure today...
got down and prayed today...
asked for direction today...
i see a purpose today...
shared my thoughts today...
cup of dark today...
just a dash of cream today...
it tasted perfect today...
i wasn't worried today...
i was connected today...
happy tears today...
i'm alive today!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
sometimes they aren't just pets...
Last night as I scrolled through my Facebook news feed I came across an incredible snippet of raw emotion, empathy and humanity. I found myself crying over my iphone as I watched "Last Minutes with ODEN". In this teaser from a yet to be released documentary from PHOS pictures director Eliot Rausch follows recovering addict and ex con Jason Wood through the incredibly heartbreaking experience of putting his dog Oden to sleep.
Poignant voice overs and beautiful footage describe Oden as much more than just your average dog. Oden has become as symbol of hope for many of Jason's friends who come to live on his couch as they try and turn their lives around. The video pretty much speaks for itself and I would recommend you watch this in private (or even better with some understanding loved ones!) as you will probably shed a few tears.
I couldn't help but feel a little more connected to the human race as I got out bed this morning with Jason's perspective that "God is love and Love is God". A philosophy he credits Oden in teaching him.
Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.
Notes on the Film:
Oden's struggle with cancer finally came to an end.
May he rest in peace and his memory be eternal.
Canon 7D
Directed/Edited: Eliot Rausch
Director of Photography: Luke Korver, Matt B. Taylor
Song: Big Red Machine / Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner
A story from the 8 LIVES Documentary.
For more of Jason Wood's story from 3 years ago
see http://vimeo.com/14047489
Poignant voice overs and beautiful footage describe Oden as much more than just your average dog. Oden has become as symbol of hope for many of Jason's friends who come to live on his couch as they try and turn their lives around. The video pretty much speaks for itself and I would recommend you watch this in private (or even better with some understanding loved ones!) as you will probably shed a few tears.
I couldn't help but feel a little more connected to the human race as I got out bed this morning with Jason's perspective that "God is love and Love is God". A philosophy he credits Oden in teaching him.
Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.
Notes on the Film:
Oden's struggle with cancer finally came to an end.
May he rest in peace and his memory be eternal.
Canon 7D
Directed/Edited: Eliot Rausch
Director of Photography: Luke Korver, Matt B. Taylor
Song: Big Red Machine / Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner
A story from the 8 LIVES Documentary.
For more of Jason Wood's story from 3 years ago
see http://vimeo.com/14047489
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
mood tracking...
I've known for quite awhile the secret to more symptom free days is to get some insight into what causes you to get loony. Whether you are struggling with classic melancholic or "unipolar" depression or bipolar depression with switches into higher moods with euphoria and irritability it can sometimes seem like you have no control whatsoever over your sanity.
2010 started with a BANG. As I was highly productive and felt like I was kicking ass at work. My therapist even made me make an emergency appointment with the doc one day because she thought I was too "high" during one of our sessions. This little episode led to the creation of the blog you are reading.
All good things (and feelings) come to an end. Throughout the course of this year I have had more trouble with fatigue and spent more time in bed than I have in my entire life. By May I was in bed twelve, fourteen, sometimes sixteen hours a day. I didn't even really feel depressed. I could work just fine on the three nights a week I needed to drag myself to the hospital and do some work. But on off days I felt slowed down and unmotivated...and really hungry for double cheeseburgers. Double cheeseburgers made everything Ok...and a six piece nugget on the side made things just perfect. Which brought me to a whopping 297 pounds by mid year.
Here and there I was able to break through with little bits of inspiration. A stern talk from my wife (a registered dietitian with a fat husband is kind of the definition of irony...) led me to start weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds. It was still a chore to get out of bed on weekends, but I slowly climbed out of the hole. Several medication changes were made and I felt like a marionette under my doctors control. Sitting in the waiting room with the other desperate souls I would think to myself. "Just fix me...just fucking fix me!"
I took up running which has brought with it both exhilarating energy and frustrating injuries, but I have established a commitment to health and realize that cheeseburgers don't work as well as fresh foods, meticulous timing of medication and the attitude that life will unfold ever so perfectly if I can just let it be.
Which brings me to the present. Last week I couldn't get six hours sleep. I felt like slapping total strangers and thought I was on the verge of a melt down. This week I'm getting ten hours no problem and I'm settling back into a normal mood. It's all a mystery to me and it's one I'm setting out to figure out. I have been tinkering with mood tracking software since my episode in February. I tried a couple of Iphone apps, but this weekend I found a great website. https://www.moodtracker.com/index.php
This site seems to be the daddy of all mood trackers. It tracks sleep, med history, irritability, anxiety and gives you the option to rate your mood "elevated" or "depressed" (mood categories are further broken down into mild, moderate or severe). There is also a section for a brief daily journal. You can analyze you mood via a bar graph or you can scroll through your journals.
Here is my graph for the last few days:
I've also simplified my cocktail. I had a long talk with a friend from my 12 step group about how I should be handling my medications. We both agreed that recovery is based on spirituality and that I needed to believe that my doc was a trained professional that was put in my life by a higher power greater than me. Adjusting doses, constantly researching meds, playing with vitamins and trying to skirt by without ever experiencing any pain or discomfort was a problem. My motives need to be pure.
Lamictal 150
Topomax 50
Risperdal 0.5
Omega 3 Fish Oil 1200
Natural Way Multivitamin
I'm also trying to only drink coffee for the first four hours that I'm awake. In the last month I'm drinking ten to twelve cups a day and its getting ridiculous. I guess this year has really been about acceptance. Every time I think about looking at a mood graph that reads baseline all the way across I think "Wow that would be boring...I want to be jacked on coffee...I want to run around the house dancing to jazz music... I need to fly out of bed feeling like a million bucks with no anxious thoughts every morning." That would be a wonderful world to live in for a time, but at this point in my life I can value being able to get a stable level of sleep and actually be calm enough to sit still in a chair. It's a goal I can work towards that will probably be more interesting than I think. Not too exciting but not too dull.
It beats crashing full speed into the pillow without a hope or a prayer of knowing when you'll be back...
2010 started with a BANG. As I was highly productive and felt like I was kicking ass at work. My therapist even made me make an emergency appointment with the doc one day because she thought I was too "high" during one of our sessions. This little episode led to the creation of the blog you are reading.
All good things (and feelings) come to an end. Throughout the course of this year I have had more trouble with fatigue and spent more time in bed than I have in my entire life. By May I was in bed twelve, fourteen, sometimes sixteen hours a day. I didn't even really feel depressed. I could work just fine on the three nights a week I needed to drag myself to the hospital and do some work. But on off days I felt slowed down and unmotivated...and really hungry for double cheeseburgers. Double cheeseburgers made everything Ok...and a six piece nugget on the side made things just perfect. Which brought me to a whopping 297 pounds by mid year.
Here and there I was able to break through with little bits of inspiration. A stern talk from my wife (a registered dietitian with a fat husband is kind of the definition of irony...) led me to start weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds. It was still a chore to get out of bed on weekends, but I slowly climbed out of the hole. Several medication changes were made and I felt like a marionette under my doctors control. Sitting in the waiting room with the other desperate souls I would think to myself. "Just fix me...just fucking fix me!"
I took up running which has brought with it both exhilarating energy and frustrating injuries, but I have established a commitment to health and realize that cheeseburgers don't work as well as fresh foods, meticulous timing of medication and the attitude that life will unfold ever so perfectly if I can just let it be.
Which brings me to the present. Last week I couldn't get six hours sleep. I felt like slapping total strangers and thought I was on the verge of a melt down. This week I'm getting ten hours no problem and I'm settling back into a normal mood. It's all a mystery to me and it's one I'm setting out to figure out. I have been tinkering with mood tracking software since my episode in February. I tried a couple of Iphone apps, but this weekend I found a great website. https://www.moodtracker.com/index.php
This site seems to be the daddy of all mood trackers. It tracks sleep, med history, irritability, anxiety and gives you the option to rate your mood "elevated" or "depressed" (mood categories are further broken down into mild, moderate or severe). There is also a section for a brief daily journal. You can analyze you mood via a bar graph or you can scroll through your journals.
Here is my graph for the last few days:
I've also simplified my cocktail. I had a long talk with a friend from my 12 step group about how I should be handling my medications. We both agreed that recovery is based on spirituality and that I needed to believe that my doc was a trained professional that was put in my life by a higher power greater than me. Adjusting doses, constantly researching meds, playing with vitamins and trying to skirt by without ever experiencing any pain or discomfort was a problem. My motives need to be pure.
Lamictal 150
Topomax 50
Risperdal 0.5
Omega 3 Fish Oil 1200
Natural Way Multivitamin
I'm also trying to only drink coffee for the first four hours that I'm awake. In the last month I'm drinking ten to twelve cups a day and its getting ridiculous. I guess this year has really been about acceptance. Every time I think about looking at a mood graph that reads baseline all the way across I think "Wow that would be boring...I want to be jacked on coffee...I want to run around the house dancing to jazz music... I need to fly out of bed feeling like a million bucks with no anxious thoughts every morning." That would be a wonderful world to live in for a time, but at this point in my life I can value being able to get a stable level of sleep and actually be calm enough to sit still in a chair. It's a goal I can work towards that will probably be more interesting than I think. Not too exciting but not too dull.
It beats crashing full speed into the pillow without a hope or a prayer of knowing when you'll be back...
Monday, September 20, 2010
a good friend won't bullshit you...
Its amazing how another ex drunk can set you straight! Here's a text message between myself and an old friend.
Me:
If I could accept that all things were impermanent I'd be a hell of a lot happier...but maybe that's still my ego trying to protect itself. Maybe it wants to "accept" impermanence so it can feel good all the time...which leads me to believe that it is impossible to use your thoughts to kill the ego. Perhaps only pure love or absolute suffering can beat it into submission, but it only stays dead momentarily. You know I should have stayed asleep man. Seeking enlightenment is a mind fuck!
Friend:
Drop your seeking, it will only distract you from the reality of the thing we call Love/God/etc.
Me:
Are you speaking from experience? Is it better when you take the monks/teachers off their pedestals? I can only experience conscious connection with Love/God during emotionally turbulent times. This drives me to seek a lifestyle where I'm connected all the time and experience less boredom and sadness in my life.
Friend:
I have experience with suffering and I know there is no way around it. Love will take care of us. Life is very difficult, but unbelievably beautiful. More than this I cannot say. God is real.
Me:
Thanks for that affirmation. Its time for some dog walking meditation. I hope you are doing well. Peace...
Friend:
Same to you my brother.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
suffering...it's really no big deal...
A friend of mine post a Dalai Lama quote as his facebook status everyday. As I flew past it on my iphone the other day all I caught was: if there is one certainty in life it is suffering. I didn't think much of it buzzing from my pike roast and on the way into work, but I'm thinking about it in the wee hours of this Sunday morning.
I met with my doctor last week and decided I was going to stop taking my citalopram, an SSRI type drug I've been taking for five or so years. I posted about tapering off some of my meds a couple of months ago and until the last few days all seemed to be well. Suddenly...maybe Tuesday...my heart started feeling like it was going to pop out of my chest and I had a deep feeling of dread or anticipation like butterflies in your stomach before you're suppose to meet with your boss. It's the type of anxiety I haven't felt in years. A type I remember all too well from darker points in my life.
I remember sitting on my couch in college getting incredibly intoxicated night after night and babbling to whoever would listen about the pain that was my life...and it scares me that this week I felt that sadness and fear again. I felt wounded and vulnerable like I was going insane. I found myself complaining a lot and talking to just about anyone who would listen, but at a certain point I had to just let go. I yelled at myself in a firm voice Wednesday night sitting at my desk...
"This is how you feel...and you need to accept it, just own it and be done with it!"
For a brief moment I didn't feel so bad.
Thursday was alright. I had therapy and Jane said I was in a "bad neighborhood" in my head, but I felt better when I left which was good. There were no awkward silences. We talked the whole session and I felt like I was on the edge of resolve, but hadn't quite found the solution. Katie and I went grocery shopping Friday night and bought a weeks worth of stuff for $55. It's part of our attempt to see if we could make it as "poor" people. (Food stamps come out to about $28/adult/week) It took going out of our way and going to two grocery stores, but we managed. I doubt we'll starve.
Last night my friend Charlie scored me a free ticket to the Flaming Lips concert in Columbia. The conversation flowed freely on the two hour trip down and I felt a little more at ease. What can I say about the show...it was incredible. I don't think Wayne Coyne is a rock star as much as he is a spiritual guru. The show was composed of the usual antics and noise symphony that the Lips are famous for, and between songs Wayne gave us little snippets of wisdom and insight to song lyrics. Driving home the message that life is all about giving love to one another.
They closed with "Do You Realize". My eyes welled up with tears, moved by the joy of the music and energy of the crowd with their hands high and swaying. I thought to myself as I walked back to the parking garage how its all yin and yang this life. I've been going through some pretty heavy stuff lately. My heads been all over the place. That show probably wouldn't have meant anything to me without my current situation as a back drop...and it all fell together so brilliantly with Charlie calling me Thursday night to invite me...it was totally spur of the moment.
So it wasn't until I sat down to blog that the Lama's quote hit me. It's suffering that makes us human...of course it's all relative. There's 6 billion people on this planet and we all experience pain in our own way, but we have to own it and get past it to succeed. Maybe he meant that it doesn't have to own us. It doesn't have to consume our reality. When the pain consumes my reality it takes away from what I have to give to this world...and I think, like Wayne says, I have a lot of love to give.
It would be a crying shame to let pain destroy my ability to love and mold the world in a positive way. Perhaps I need to learn to coexist with discomfort.
It won't kill me...
mellow
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Back on Track
Ughh what a day...I was in kind of a funky place today. The laziness continues. I popped some Melatonin last night and went to bed thinking I'd get up early and mow my jungle of a lawn. As 9:30 rolled around I thought to myself..."I should get up and mow the lawn" and then 10:30...11:30...and then it was 3:51pm and I felt like a worthless piece of crap as I started the weed eater having wasted sixteen hours in the bed. Needless to say I only got half of the yard work done before surrendering to the inferno of the afternoon with the resolution that tomorrow is another day.
It's only happening about once a week now, but no human should sleep that long. I was suppose to see my doc about it this week, but he just had a surgery on his neck and canceled my appointment. I don't know what it is. I feel pretty good on most days. I don't feel particularly fatigued, but some days I'm just not getting out of the bed.
Luckily Katie didn't give me shit about it and I got to spend a good portion of time with her tonight. We went out to eat at the VegaDeli which is an all vegan restaurant. I got a hummus burger on pita and a soy milk shake. Katie got a juice concoction of kale, cucumber and apple juice. (gross!) I felt better after getting some yard work done and having some quality time over a healthy meal. After some TV time Katie went to bed and I took Jack out for a walk. It was relaxing and I milled over what tonight's blog would be about.
So...
I've been on my own ass again lately. I'm obsessed with perfection and I think it is really detrimental to my overall enjoyment of life. I'm obsessed with all kinds of stuff. My weight, money, things I should have achieved by now, what degree I should go get next, new career paths, etc. Katie says I crave stress. My therapist Jane trys to get me to keep from engaging in this self talk. "Whats wrong with your career right now, why not master your skills and open up opportunities within your current field?" she'll say. And the thing is I know she is right. I feel better when I accept myself not just for who I am, but for who I am today. This life with these shortcomings, with this moody brain and with a great many talents...I always look past the talents. I never give myself credit for the amazing life I'm living today and that's such a cheat on today. And when will life always be happening? TODAY!
So as I walked with Jack I took a moment to breath in the air and accept today for today, and it's not that bad. It's awesome! There's air in my lungs and I'm alive. So I totally turned this day around and got back on track. Got some laundry done, shaved my head, got some exercise and generally got in a better place. The more I think about it the more I am realizing this depression or bipolar thing is less about chemicals and biology and more about confidence and spirituality. There is no doubt that medications have saved my ass, but the remaining issues I have couldn't be fixed with a pill anyway. What remains are existential questions and a battle with demons that have been around since I was a kid. "Core issues" as Jane says and tonight I took a walk and won the battle. And tonight's the only night that matters...
mellow
It's only happening about once a week now, but no human should sleep that long. I was suppose to see my doc about it this week, but he just had a surgery on his neck and canceled my appointment. I don't know what it is. I feel pretty good on most days. I don't feel particularly fatigued, but some days I'm just not getting out of the bed.
Luckily Katie didn't give me shit about it and I got to spend a good portion of time with her tonight. We went out to eat at the VegaDeli which is an all vegan restaurant. I got a hummus burger on pita and a soy milk shake. Katie got a juice concoction of kale, cucumber and apple juice. (gross!) I felt better after getting some yard work done and having some quality time over a healthy meal. After some TV time Katie went to bed and I took Jack out for a walk. It was relaxing and I milled over what tonight's blog would be about.
So...
I've been on my own ass again lately. I'm obsessed with perfection and I think it is really detrimental to my overall enjoyment of life. I'm obsessed with all kinds of stuff. My weight, money, things I should have achieved by now, what degree I should go get next, new career paths, etc. Katie says I crave stress. My therapist Jane trys to get me to keep from engaging in this self talk. "Whats wrong with your career right now, why not master your skills and open up opportunities within your current field?" she'll say. And the thing is I know she is right. I feel better when I accept myself not just for who I am, but for who I am today. This life with these shortcomings, with this moody brain and with a great many talents...I always look past the talents. I never give myself credit for the amazing life I'm living today and that's such a cheat on today. And when will life always be happening? TODAY!
So as I walked with Jack I took a moment to breath in the air and accept today for today, and it's not that bad. It's awesome! There's air in my lungs and I'm alive. So I totally turned this day around and got back on track. Got some laundry done, shaved my head, got some exercise and generally got in a better place. The more I think about it the more I am realizing this depression or bipolar thing is less about chemicals and biology and more about confidence and spirituality. There is no doubt that medications have saved my ass, but the remaining issues I have couldn't be fixed with a pill anyway. What remains are existential questions and a battle with demons that have been around since I was a kid. "Core issues" as Jane says and tonight I took a walk and won the battle. And tonight's the only night that matters...mellow
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