Starting a second job...

I get funny looks when I tell people what I do for a living. A lot of people don't even know my job title exist let alone know where to find me. My technical title is "Registered Polysomnographic Sleep Technologist"...that's a big word to describe a clinician who works at a sleep disorders center...a Sleep Tech. In short, I watch people sleep and try and find ways to help them get the most and refreshing quality of sleep possible. I'm part of a treatment team consisting of doctors, nursers, respiratory therapists and sleep techs who diagnose and treat a variety of disorders ranging from Insomnia, Sleep Apnea, Narcolepsy, Chronic Fatigue, Klein Levin Syndrome and REM behavior disorder. Despite the lack of public knowledge of sleep as a medical discipline most adults at some point or another have issues with sleep. Many never make it past their primary care doctor who writes a script for a hypnotic agent like Ambien or Lunesta, but when people look for more answers they typically find themselves at a sleep clinic. I've been a sleep tech for three years and I achieved board certification in February of 2009.

I started my latest gig tonight working for a doctor I met in 2008. I was interested because he has acquired a large research grant and has been doing some pretty cool stuff. This year he and his staff helped facilitate a double blind study observing the effects of risperidone vs. placebo on sleep and EEG (brain wave) activity in a group of schizophrenic patients. The study was nationwide and also had participants in India. The patients were paid very well for participating one night a week for nine weeks.

It's unfortunate how far the stigma of mental illness runs, even among trained medical professionals. I knew one of the sleep techs who worked on the research (the one who got me this job) and had to chuckle inside as they talked about risperidone as if it was only a medicine for the completely demented and insane. I take risperidone everyday as a maintenance med for Bipolar II, however this colleagues is unaware that I have Bipolar disorder or take psychotropic medications at all. I guess I pass pretty well...

So the doc's goal is to get us involved in some more drug trials. We could be on the cusp of the next great hypnotic or benzo. Who knows? So I'm super excited about this side job. I'm only committing to two shifts a month. I'm still keeping my full time job which is three nights a week with full benefits and pension and all that jazz. I was sort of scared to exert myself any more than I have been. I pulled back a lot last August after a hellish summer and have been taking it pretty easy with just my three nights at the hospital. All of my mood swings and episodes are related to environmental stress, but I feel like i can keep everything in perspective. Now is the time to work hard. The wife and I don't have kids yet and we are looking to be homeowners next year so the extra five hundred bucks a month will come in handy.

Above everything else it will be interesting to apply my skill set in a different way. I spend about 95% of my time treating sleep apnea so some cool research studies and drug trials will be a much welcomed change of pace.

mellow

sleepy head...

I can't get out of bed these days...I just can't do it! Tomorrow I'm gonna set two alarms and force myself up. I had plans to hang out with the wife and I slept all afternoon. I think I hurt her feelings, which is making me feel kind of icky right now. I'm not feeling as a fatigued as a few weeks ago, but this sleeping fourteen hours a day thing is annoying. I've always been a sleepy head ever since i was a kid. I feel pretty bad about it. Sloth is my worst defect.

I guess it could be one of the meds working against me, but the cocktail has been stable for quite some time and I've never had problems with fatigue before. I mess with my vitamins all the time, but I seriously doubt they could be causing the fatigue. I'm basically dropping a nuclear bomb of B vitamins on my system everyday. How the B's could be working against me I don't know. Too much B usually is eliminated through urine with little ill effect. I might try augmenting my magnesium back to all 400mg at night, but that always leads to gut trouble so who knows. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I should probably just get off my ass and start exercising. That would fix it in an instant!

I'm going to try and blog several times a week from here on out, but its hard to put yourself out there. I feel real insecure about it, but i know i just need to work at it.

I get to hang with my 12 step friends tomorrow. It's always fun to hang out with the drunks. They make me laugh. It's hard to believe that I haven't had a drink in three and a half years. Probably the best decision I've ever made....

Anyhow that's today's blog...

mellow

feeling normal again...

So how long has it been???

I had kind of given up on this blog thing. I thought it was all a load of crap, but when I gave it a read today I felt like I should give it another try. I've got nothing better to do at 4:40am anyhow. I think I was in a real pissy mood the last few blogs I wrote...today I'm in a really good mood!

I guess over the last month or so I have achieved a remission. No serious symptoms. I had a bout with some hypomania in February and I've really been struggling with fatigue, but I think the bipolar is in check so to speak.

I started Weight Watchers about 10 weeks ago and I've lost 26 pounds so things are good on that front. I'm still way over weight, but a solid year of binge eating will do that to a person. I guess there is hope. I just need to hang in there and continue with what I'm doing. The wife is really trying to get me in to running. It's done wonders for her. I just need to take the plunge. I bought a $100 pair of shoes that are just sitting in my closet. Exercise is suppose to be great for mood stabilization, but I'm just lazy.

Jane (my therapist) had cut me back to every other week and last week she said she didn't think I needed to come but once a month. I've got to admit I'm a little freaked out. I've gotten so use to seeing Jane and the doc all the time that doing things on my own seems a little scary, but I guess my treatment team is trying to send me a message. Maybe I'm not that fucked up after all. Maybe I'm actually stable for once. Who would have thought that could happen.

The fatigue was a real issue and I think sticking to a good sleep schedule has helped more than anything. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I'm going to work graveyard I'm going to have to live nocturnal all the time. I function so much better when go to bed and get up at the same time everyday. I had added 4000mg Rhodiola for about 5 weeks to see if it would help with energy, but I didn't really see results. Then about a month ago I started 3000mg of sublingual B12 and 400mg D3. Then last week I changed from a B stress to a B100 complex. Anyhow all vitamins aside the sleep schedule is what is making me feel the best and the most chipper. I still struggle with getting out of bed. I don't know what it is with me, but getting up is just a drag. Once I'm up I don't feel depressed or anything I just have trouble getting out from under the covers.

I switched my fish oil over to a supplement called Omega Mood. I'm taking two 1000mg capsules and it has a 1000mg of EPA and 150 mg of DHA. I also switched over to Magnesium Glycinate. I'm taking 400mg. The Citrate was giving me gut trouble. The meds are all the same as usual. This will be the first time i've gone a full three months between visits to the doc in at least a year and a half. I see him in July some time.

Things are good I guess! I'm posting this to psycobabble. So maybe some of you guys on babble can subscribe and comment...

Peace

-mellow

The current cocktail...

Risperdal 2mg
Celexa 20mg
Topamax 50mg
Lamictal 100mg

Multi Vitamin
Omega Mood 2000mg
Magnesium Glycinate 400mg
Vitamin D3 400mg
B Complex 100
B12 3000mg

Coffee, Radiohead and Airplanes...

The Starbucks is calm today. They dripped espresso as the bold this morning and I'm digging it...it seems earthy and full. It's a Radiohead morning...Amnesiac...and as Pack like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box beats through my phones I'm trying to tone out the gossip of the middle age crew that sits in the corner every morning. But I don't really mind...I'm working on interacting. Socializing. Realizing I'm no better, no less...some days I have to keep from living in my own little world...forcing myself to interact with a another person instead of playing a game of hide and seek with the rest of the human race...So as the baby boomers talk about college basketball and the price of luxury cars I take a deep breath and try and take in some of their energy, their presence.

I'm flying down south for a wedding this weekend. Travel is always fun, but I can't help but feel a little out of place at weddings. Everyone gets lubed up with booze to ease the awkwardness of having to spend an entire evening with a bunch of people they don't know or haven't seen in years and that's a luxury I can't afford. Alcohol and me don't mix, coming to this conclusion has probably saved my life. Some people don't understand why it makes me uncomfortable, but none the less it's something I have to deal with when I go to big celebratory events. Anyhow, I'll call my sponsor and talk it over before the big dance.

But I am looking forward to eating some seafood!

mellow

Can't put my finger on it...

I don't really know how i feel today-

And that's absolutely strange for me...I woke up to a crash in our bathroom, a shelf lost its place in a cabinet while Katie brushed her teeth. I was startled and rolled over and made the decision to get out of bed at the ripe hour of 6:00 am. I'm still jumping out of bed most days, a sign that life is good right now and that the wave of depression hasn't come crashing to the shore yet. But I have to ask myself if its really on its way. Maybe it's all a load of shit...a misguided expectation.

I was jacked on coffee last night when I started ranting at two friends after a twelve step meeting...my theory was that we are always at war and all going crazy because humans aren't meant to live in our ultramodern fashion...

"I mean when you watch the discovery channel and they have like some islanders from Fiji who live half naked in huts...they are happier and more stable than us! Maybe the industrialized world is just fucked!"

My friend Aaron somewhat agreed arguing that: "It's not necessarily the industry. Some of that is necessary for civilization. Its more of the massive consumption campaign that is driving us all crazy. How many images you are exposed to in one day right now...how many more than say people three hundred years ago...it has to effect you some how the constant message to consume...wait have you read 1984...Orwell...just read 1984!"

This leads me to my point for today...I gotta buck up! This world is not worth stressing over. Its really not!!! I'm sitting in Starbucks as a line flows out the door. Everyone chats on their blackberries. The common theme-

Work, Stress, Fear.

It's so ridiculous I laugh on the inside. Actually I stop laughing because it makes me a little sad. Right now there are at least four self help books on our dresser and what for??? So I can function better in this clusterfuck!

Ok, I DO know how I feel today-

I feel cynical. That's a dangerous place for me. I have a session with Jane today and I can't wait. Beside the fact that I look forward to our afternoon chats, I need to express some of this and get in a better place...

Ok, so here is the resolution. I'm not gonna read anymore self help. I'm going to relax and embrace the moments as they come. No more judgments or irrational fears. I'm motivated...albeit a little pissy and grand standish!

mellow

what is the thought game???

So I'm trying to figure out what this blog is going to be about...

It erupted somewhere out a mood swing last week which is still hanging around a bit, a little less intense, but very much still here. I guess last week I just had to do something with my energy and well...this week it seems like a challenge to grab the thoughts from within and package them in sentences. Now I see why writers are nuts...

So anyhow I guess I should try and explain/figure out for myself why I'm doing this. There could be several reasons, but there are two that stand out. Self expression is number one I think. I've got a lot to say and have for a long time. I guess getting it out helps. This is a safe forum for that because no one has to know who I am. Maybe one day I will figure out a way to express myself openly and not be riddled with the inner voice that tells me to shut the fuck up before they lock me up. This is a big problems for me. I think once you delve into your psyche there is a tendency to feel like damaged goods...I was absolutely convinced at twenty three years old that I was incurably insane. I remember hating my therapist the day she jotted in her therapy notes that I might be bipolar. It didn't register to me that the new approach that came with the diagnosis was helping me. In fact I remember commenting to my dad in late 2006 that the mood stabilizers had saved my life, but even then I still fought the diagnosis. I thought people with manic depressive illness where total loons and to be slapped with that label did something to me on the inside. It wasn't even that particular label it was the labeling since the beginning. Since I was a kid. I always had a health professional prodding at me with an explanation for my behavior. From the time I was six years old my parents were told something was wrong with me. I think the labeling hurts and that's why people aren't able to accept their conditions. By the time they get the right one they are spent. I think that's why people don't get well.

I remember sitting in my psychiatrist office sometime...maybe July 2009. I was getting my ass handed to me by life. We had changed medicines and doses three session in a row which is pretty rough. (You know this all to well if you're on psychotropics) I had a little agenda for the session. After the usual questions when he paused and started typing notes I leaned over and said, "You know doc what if I'm not really bipolar and we are off base. What if I really just have major depression disorder and get hyperactive every once in awhile." He looked up deadpan without missing a beat, "It doesn't matter if you have bipolar disorder or major depression disorder with periods of hyperactivity. You have mood disturbances that need to be treated. Don't worry so much about what to call it. If there is a piece of you that is frustrated with the term bipolar that's a great issue to jump into with your therapist."

At first I took it for a "shut up and take the pills, don't be difficult" type of comment, but as I look back on those sessions and the place I was in I can see his point...everything in my being wants to not be bipolar...but there's nothing I can do about it...in fact what little I can do to make it bearable is completely mute if I don't accept my condition and take direction from my treatment team.

So that's reason number two: acceptance. I'm trying as of late to keep a positive spin on my condition and take responsibility for managing it. I've got to quit playing the thought game. It's that constant inner analysis that wants to reason every emotion. It makes snap judgments about everything. It ask stupid questions like: "Am I truly happy?" Its an existential chess match with the ego that always leads to misery and it has to end if I want to have a positive human experience.

There's a solution to all this. It's balancing out that negative voice that tells you you're damaged goods with the honest voice. The voice that knows you're not a loon or a diagnosis on a chart. The voice that represents whats real. So I guess the point of the blog is to publish my journey through life both past and present...and maybe see if others can relate.

Does that make sense???

mellow