Clarity...

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”
-Deepak Chorpa

A few times in my life I have gone through what I would describe as transitions or shifts. I may have had one when I was around twelve years old.  All of a sudden my grades got a lot better in school. That's all I remember about it. I went from having a lot of behavior issues to being  a pretty solid kid. I discovered booze and pot my sophomore year of high school and went through what was pretty much eight years of confusion, anxiety and depression.  Every decision I made was based in fear. I ran from everything life put in front of me. There was very little growth.  I did manage to meet Katie as well as several other important fixtures in my life today during this period. The big shift came when I got sober at twenty-four.  I was driving down the highway one night when I saw the insanity in my behavior.  Pain had been damming up for years and it reached a tipping point.  I'd just switched jobs for the fourth time in eight months, been diagnosed bipolar and had no where left to run. I knew in one very brief moment, as if I'd been injected with some sort of absolute truth, that I had what it took to change. Most of all I could feel that I would be alright, that life was worth living. That moment and the following six month period was a brief catalyst that pushed me in the direction of progress. There have still been some boulders to get around in the last few years. I think the blog actually started out as some sort of tribute to the rocky times I found myself in during the last year or so.  A place to bitch. I think it's something totally different now...

I find myself experiencing something really weird the last couple of weeks. No depression symptoms at all.  I have a good amount of energy, but my thoughts are a normal speed and I'm getting at least six hours of sleep nightly. My confidence seems better too, but not in an inflated sort of way. I find my friends being vulnerable and open with me and asking for advice where I use to be the one constantly bitching and fishing for compliments. I've started reading my Buddhism books and trying to meditate again.  Then last Sunday I decided to become a vegetarian again after eating meat for the last year. Something I heard on a lecture about being centered resonated with me enough that once again I saw the insanity in my behavior.  I made it to the forty pound mark in my weight loss journey this week and I'm ready for forty more!

On one hand I could have reason to be alarmed.  All of these situations could be early signs of hypomania.  Sleeping six hours instead of my usual nine, more energy, feeling like things are so "crystal clear" and then there's the general mystical nature of my life right now....rolling about drinking mega smoothies, listening to new age music and studying nondualist religions. Of course anyone with bipolar knows that when things are going good we all get the little voice in the back of our heads that says, "you don't need those meds..." Right now it's manifesting itself as the philosophy that if I drop another forty pounds, meditate and exercise, I'm never going to have another depressive episode. This probably isn't true. I know I'll hit hard times again at some point.

I will admit that on paper one might tread cautiously, but I'm a pretty responsible patient as my doctor tells it.  I have a lot of insight into my episodes. I gather that I feel better because I am on less meds.  I was on a serotonin reuptake inhibitor for almost half a decade. A new generation of psychiatrist believe the SSRI's cause rapid cycling in many patients. Thus there's this phenomenon where someone kills themselves a couple of weeks after they start a drug like Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft.  In actuality these drugs can make things worse. There was a point last year where I was so medicated I was stuttering and had a lot cognitive deficiencies. I never really thought much about it.  I always subscribed to the mantra around my doctors office: "Stay medicated, stay in therapy."

I'm not dogging psychiatry.  My doctor has been a Godsend in my life.  I guess I'm saying it's time for more change.  I'm not going to downplay the shift that's occurring in my life right now.  We are taught to write off everything that comes out of the "feeling good" part of this disorder. I know with all my heart that we were placed in this world in order to thrive.  Our spirits know where they want to go. In fact they are already heading there in spite of the distractions our egos are constructing!

Bottom line, my body is a temple and I've been treating it like trash for years! Spiritually, physically and mentally I've been burning the candle at both ends. My new experiemnt is going to be with real food, real exercise and some simple spiritual tools. I'm no longer buying into this idea that I'm some sort of victim or a damaged person.

Life's too short to not be whole...

mellow