Can't put my finger on it...

I don't really know how i feel today-

And that's absolutely strange for me...I woke up to a crash in our bathroom, a shelf lost its place in a cabinet while Katie brushed her teeth. I was startled and rolled over and made the decision to get out of bed at the ripe hour of 6:00 am. I'm still jumping out of bed most days, a sign that life is good right now and that the wave of depression hasn't come crashing to the shore yet. But I have to ask myself if its really on its way. Maybe it's all a load of shit...a misguided expectation.

I was jacked on coffee last night when I started ranting at two friends after a twelve step meeting...my theory was that we are always at war and all going crazy because humans aren't meant to live in our ultramodern fashion...

"I mean when you watch the discovery channel and they have like some islanders from Fiji who live half naked in huts...they are happier and more stable than us! Maybe the industrialized world is just fucked!"

My friend Aaron somewhat agreed arguing that: "It's not necessarily the industry. Some of that is necessary for civilization. Its more of the massive consumption campaign that is driving us all crazy. How many images you are exposed to in one day right now...how many more than say people three hundred years ago...it has to effect you some how the constant message to consume...wait have you read 1984...Orwell...just read 1984!"

This leads me to my point for today...I gotta buck up! This world is not worth stressing over. Its really not!!! I'm sitting in Starbucks as a line flows out the door. Everyone chats on their blackberries. The common theme-

Work, Stress, Fear.

It's so ridiculous I laugh on the inside. Actually I stop laughing because it makes me a little sad. Right now there are at least four self help books on our dresser and what for??? So I can function better in this clusterfuck!

Ok, I DO know how I feel today-

I feel cynical. That's a dangerous place for me. I have a session with Jane today and I can't wait. Beside the fact that I look forward to our afternoon chats, I need to express some of this and get in a better place...

Ok, so here is the resolution. I'm not gonna read anymore self help. I'm going to relax and embrace the moments as they come. No more judgments or irrational fears. I'm motivated...albeit a little pissy and grand standish!

mellow