The Starbucks is calm today. They dripped espresso as the bold this morning and I'm digging it...it seems earthy and full. It's a Radiohead morning...Amnesiac...and as Pack like Sardines in a Crushed Tin Box beats through my phones I'm trying to tone out the gossip of the middle age crew that sits in the corner every morning. But I don't really mind...I'm working on interacting. Socializing. Realizing I'm no better, no less...some days I have to keep from living in my own little world...forcing myself to interact with a another person instead of playing a game of hide and seek with the rest of the human race...So as the baby boomers talk about college basketball and the price of luxury cars I take a deep breath and try and take in some of their energy, their presence.
I'm flying down south for a wedding this weekend. Travel is always fun, but I can't help but feel a little out of place at weddings. Everyone gets lubed up with booze to ease the awkwardness of having to spend an entire evening with a bunch of people they don't know or haven't seen in years and that's a luxury I can't afford. Alcohol and me don't mix, coming to this conclusion has probably saved my life. Some people don't understand why it makes me uncomfortable, but none the less it's something I have to deal with when I go to big celebratory events. Anyhow, I'll call my sponsor and talk it over before the big dance.
But I am looking forward to eating some seafood!
mellow
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Can't put my finger on it...
I don't really know how i feel today-
And that's absolutely strange for me...I woke up to a crash in our bathroom, a shelf lost its place in a cabinet while Katie brushed her teeth. I was startled and rolled over and made the decision to get out of bed at the ripe hour of 6:00 am. I'm still jumping out of bed most days, a sign that life is good right now and that the wave of depression hasn't come crashing to the shore yet. But I have to ask myself if its really on its way. Maybe it's all a load of shit...a misguided expectation.
I was jacked on coffee last night when I started ranting at two friends after a twelve step meeting...my theory was that we are always at war and all going crazy because humans aren't meant to live in our ultramodern fashion...
"I mean when you watch the discovery channel and they have like some islanders from Fiji who live half naked in huts...they are happier and more stable than us! Maybe the industrialized world is just fucked!"
My friend Aaron somewhat agreed arguing that: "It's not necessarily the industry. Some of that is necessary for civilization. Its more of the massive consumption campaign that is driving us all crazy. How many images you are exposed to in one day right now...how many more than say people three hundred years ago...it has to effect you some how the constant message to consume...wait have you read 1984...Orwell...just read 1984!"
This leads me to my point for today...I gotta buck up! This world is not worth stressing over. Its really not!!! I'm sitting in Starbucks as a line flows out the door. Everyone chats on their blackberries. The common theme-
Work, Stress, Fear.
It's so ridiculous I laugh on the inside. Actually I stop laughing because it makes me a little sad. Right now there are at least four self help books on our dresser and what for??? So I can function better in this clusterfuck!
Ok, I DO know how I feel today-
I feel cynical. That's a dangerous place for me. I have a session with Jane today and I can't wait. Beside the fact that I look forward to our afternoon chats, I need to express some of this and get in a better place...
Ok, so here is the resolution. I'm not gonna read anymore self help. I'm going to relax and embrace the moments as they come. No more judgments or irrational fears. I'm motivated...albeit a little pissy and grand standish!
mellow
And that's absolutely strange for me...I woke up to a crash in our bathroom, a shelf lost its place in a cabinet while Katie brushed her teeth. I was startled and rolled over and made the decision to get out of bed at the ripe hour of 6:00 am. I'm still jumping out of bed most days, a sign that life is good right now and that the wave of depression hasn't come crashing to the shore yet. But I have to ask myself if its really on its way. Maybe it's all a load of shit...a misguided expectation.
I was jacked on coffee last night when I started ranting at two friends after a twelve step meeting...my theory was that we are always at war and all going crazy because humans aren't meant to live in our ultramodern fashion...
"I mean when you watch the discovery channel and they have like some islanders from Fiji who live half naked in huts...they are happier and more stable than us! Maybe the industrialized world is just fucked!"
My friend Aaron somewhat agreed arguing that: "It's not necessarily the industry. Some of that is necessary for civilization. Its more of the massive consumption campaign that is driving us all crazy. How many images you are exposed to in one day right now...how many more than say people three hundred years ago...it has to effect you some how the constant message to consume...wait have you read 1984...Orwell...just read 1984!"
This leads me to my point for today...I gotta buck up! This world is not worth stressing over. Its really not!!! I'm sitting in Starbucks as a line flows out the door. Everyone chats on their blackberries. The common theme-
Work, Stress, Fear.
It's so ridiculous I laugh on the inside. Actually I stop laughing because it makes me a little sad. Right now there are at least four self help books on our dresser and what for??? So I can function better in this clusterfuck!
Ok, I DO know how I feel today-
I feel cynical. That's a dangerous place for me. I have a session with Jane today and I can't wait. Beside the fact that I look forward to our afternoon chats, I need to express some of this and get in a better place...
Ok, so here is the resolution. I'm not gonna read anymore self help. I'm going to relax and embrace the moments as they come. No more judgments or irrational fears. I'm motivated...albeit a little pissy and grand standish!
mellow
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